I Found You

chapter - 15

Two days later

Sarawat is sitting in the drawing room cum library of his house, legs sprawled ungracefully on the couch as he holds a picture in his hand. he really could do with a bottle of beer or two but being a father of eight year old smart girl keeps him from a lot of shenanigans. Lily is finally asleep after her stomach ache subsided which leaves Sarawat with some time to surge in self loathing and questioning himself. today has not been a great day really. at first, another newly recruited staff of his library resigned (more like fled after hearing nasty rumours about Sarawat). then, Lily got sick and vomited everything she had eaten. and on the top of everything, it's Nub's birthday today which means he is missing her a little extra than everyday.

well, he is also missing Tine but he is not strong enough to admit right now.

"i am sorry i could not celebrate your birthday properly ai nub" Sarawat chuckles bitterly, "and I'm sorry i sometimes fail to keep the promise i made to you."

Saying that, he glances in the direction of Lily's room. of all the things he's feeling shitty about, the worst is him forgetting that Lily is extremely allergic to lemons and letting her eat lemon icecream with her friends. he realised later it was the same situation the day she was hospitalized. how could it slip off his mind twice?

"i promised you i will take care of our daughter. but i am not the perfect father nub" mumbles Sarawat, repressing the rising swirl of emotions inside him. "I mess things up all the time. i can never be the mom she lost because of me."

there.. Sarawat breaks a little. he does not understand where is all this coming from but tonight, the loneliness stabs him sharper with all the corners of the dark, quiet room. and tonight, he is more exhausted than everyday. he whimpers like a feverish baby and balls the photo in his fists. "and i also failed to keep the promise that i will be happy even after you're gone. because I am not happy nub. could never be since you left."

he rubs his prickling eyes and takes deep breaths. Tine once told him  breathing helps. and so does talking and sharing and admitting what the heart feels. and Sarawat's heart feels an ache for Tine. an ache for not trying enough to be happy with Tine. His heart feels so much of Tine that he takes the words he said right now back.

"well, i am happy at times" says he, laughing with glistening eyes. "with Lily and Tine, who wouldn't want to be happy. oh Tine.. you don't know him, do you?" his voice cracks a little yet he goes on, "he is like a magician nub. he is too good to be real. he's so.. fuck!" Sarawat's throat chokes, followed by a faint sob escaping his mouth.

"he is so nice that i have never been so scared in my life as much as i am just by the idea that i might hurt him like i hurt you. i don't deserve him Nub.. i don't deserve him right?"

Nub only smiles in the picture, getting drenched by the incessant tears falling on her happy face. Wat shuffles the picture aside and curls himself up in a ball before breaking into muffled sobs and hiccups. after all, he is not much different from Tine, is he? getting sad over little things like forgetting about Lily's allergy and not being able to drink beer when he wants to. or may be he is really pissed off at universe for fooling him right under his nose. Tine was T. how obvious it is now that Sarawat speculates in retrospection. they share same surname, same initials and fucking same way of talking and touching Sarawat in a way he thought nobody would after Nubdao. he feels stupid but mostly angry at himself for freaking out and not staying back with Tine when he was unwell. he feels like an irresponsible father, a guilty husband and a reckless boyfriend.

that makes him realise they are not even boyfriends yet. because Tine is probably still in love with his ex. and he ends up weeping some more. he wishes he could call Tine now and tell him that as much as he is embarrassed and taken aback to his core after finding the Truth, he is not mad at Tine. how could he be mad when he hasn't even heard Tine's perspective yet? may be like Sarawat, Tine was clueless about this too and may be this entire thing was a silly conspiracy weaved by fate (which Sarawat did not believe in until now) and the only reason they crossed paths again and again is because they were meant to. no craft, no explanation. that may be love is actually sometimes as simple as he used to believe when he was a young boy.