[COMPLETED] Minsung ff
Minho and Jisung are childhood friends. Maybe even more. They get closer and closer even though Minho is sometimes mysterious and hard to understand. But even with all difficulties, they have the time of their lives. But what...
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hi, important disclaimer: in this and in the next chapter will be implicit mentions of suicide. if you are uncomfortable with this, please stop reading <3 only do what you are comfortable with <33
if you still want to read I'm really glad and recommend a few songs:
lonely st. - stray kids; la la lost you- 88rising, niki; voices - stray kids
To Jisungie, please give it to him, when he is ready and wouldn't be hurt by this
Hey Jisungie,
My Jisungie, how have you been? I hope your mother gave you this, when you wouldn't be attached by this anymore, when you hopefully forgot me and live a happy life.
First of all, I want to clarify that I never wanted to hurt you. I hated to see whenever you were hurt, whenever you cried, even though I was probably the main reason. I am sorry for leaving you. I am sorry for leaving you when you were the one who always stayed. And I know nothing makes it better, nothing can make it better that I'm not there anymore.
It's not your fault. It was never your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. I didn't do it because of someone in particular or something that happened. Actually, I don't understand it completely l myself.
There are these voices, these demons. They are telling me different things, different opinions. They argue with each other, screaming in my head, making everything outside mute. They do it, until they are screaming the same thing to me: „die". The worst thing is, that I am not afraid of it. I don't feel bad. Instead, when they all roar united, I feel comforted. The feeling I miss all the remaining time. The comfort I will hopefully get when I do as they say.
But there were times when I could forget them when I didn't hear them at all.
There was this day, it is not that long ago. You came to my house because you were worried. I wasn't in school for days. I pretended to be annoyed of everyone and everything, while I was actually trying to get rid of these voices. But you asked and asked, you were desperate to know what is wrong. And when you were about to finally leave, I told you to stay. To stay as you always stayed. And in that moment, when I engulfed you in a hug, holding you tight, these voices weren't as loud as usual. I just liked myself better when I was with you.
And you stayed, at least you stayed on my mind till now.
But these voices in my head stayed too, they just won't let me be.
They are quiet when I think about my death. When I figure out the best way to die, they are silent, making this solution irresistible.
At some time before, a few years ago, I started to cry. Ever then and there. At random times because of random thoughts, which weren't even sad. I cried and cried, screamed silently and whispered without a voice. If somebody was near me, it never happened. But when they were all gone, when I was alone by myself, it started. Out of nowhere, there where rivers running down my cheeks. At first, I hoped it would get better, but never a thing changed. At someday I gave up, gave up on pretending, gave up on stopping these tears, gave up on trying.
