From Servant to Support

Pillow

I was just sitting there, thinking about how terrible a person I was and how I can't do anything right. I wanted something. I didn't know what, but I wanted something. What would help me feel better? I thought to myself. Maybe a hug... I'll ask Mark. However, the tablet used to summon Mark didn't have a button for a hug. In fact, all of the buttons there were mostly things I could do on my own. I was just... too lazy.

And I was using Mark.

Oh my God... I knew I was a horrible person, but this takes it to the next level! I need to call Mark here, but none of these buttons have what I need... I'll just go with the pillow. He was two seconds late. I didn't mark him off for that, though. "You're late," I informed him.

"Aren't you going to mark it off? Or is it too much work? Oh no! I talked back to you! Are you gonna mark that off, too?" I could tell that Mark was upset.

"No. I don't need the pillow."

He groaned. "Then I came down here for nothing?!"

"No. I do need something, but it wasn't on the list. I..." I trailed off.

"What do you want, Captain?!"

"I... I've been a horrible person, Mark..." I said, voice breaking and tears falling from my face. "I'm so sorry..."

He tilted his head, confused. "Is this a trick? Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I used you! I'm a horrible person! I..." I sniffed. "I took advantage of my power as Captain! I don't..."

He walked up to you. "What do you want, Captain?" He repeated.

"A hug..." I mumbled, not nearly loud enough for him to understand what I said.

"What was that?"

"I... I want a hug!" I sobbed, putting my face in my hands. He was silent for a moment as I sobbed into my hands.

Suddenly, I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around me. I leaned into Mark and hugged back, crying into his suit, trying to stop. "Don't hold it in. It won't do you any good. Let everything out so you don't have to when there's other people around. I know what it's like."

I sniffed. "What...?"

"You don't want to break down around other people because you don't want to seem annoying, right?" I nodded. "I'm the same when I feel like you do. I feel like I have to hold it in."

"I unintentionally trained myself not to cry... I've gotten so used to having to hold it in, I can't even let it out when I'm alone... And even when I can't take it anymore and I'm letting everything out and I'm alone, I still can't help but try to hold it in... And another reason I don't like to cry around other people is because it's embarrassing..."

"I know. Just remember, it's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay."

I look up at him. "I've been waiting... years... to hear those words..." He pulled me in tighter and I continued to sob into his chest.

Then, I heard Celci. "Captain, I know you're probably tired, but someone--... Mark? Are... Are they okay?" I looked up at Celci.

"No. They are not. Can you go--"

"No, Mark. It's okay. She can know about my... mental... illness..."

I told them everything. When it started, how bad it's been, why I've been hiding it, and why I don't want anyone else to know.

"Captain, it's not stupid! It's nothing to be embarrassed about!" Celci said.

"It is! It's all for nothing!"

"It's not for nothing! You can't control how you feel!"

I nodded a bit. "Still, I don't think I would be comfortable with them knowing."

"Okay..."