Words I Want To Say To You

A month before we met (day 5)

So yesterday at 11pm I send to Ericka my confession letter written through word file to make myself relieved and to not overthink things. I just want to expressed how i feel about her no matter what it takes, no matter what happen i will accept the result.

I saw a video you posted in your story and it makes me happy that you've already found the man for you. I'm not jealous right now and I'm just happy for you both. Then I message you, asking you to open the file that I'll email you since I believe it's too late to confess, even though I stated that I'm not ready to commit to a relationship yet.

Just a minute pass by and now it's getting sadder and sadder, why am i crying? she's just my crush. My heartbeat beat faster and faster like it makes boom, i'm holding my tears right now i miss you already, i don't want to be like this but i'm too weak to stand up. Call me over acting i don't care this is my true feelings that i want to show off so please understand.

After that, she replied to my conversation saying she is scared about opening the file, and of course, I am as well. I'm not sure what she's thinking, but I'm so glad that I'm already confessing, there's no pain to feel, I'm just pleased it's like I released my stress and worry that I'm feeling in my body.

And then she said:

"Im so thankful din naman that I’ve met you, since ikaw yung nagiging diary ko and you’re always there every time nagrarant ako, And thankyou kasi di ka nagsasawa. Pero you know what ayoko kasi masira yung friendship natin. kaya kung iniisip mo na may awkward na may mangyayari, well di naman siguro maiiwasan yun dahil nga sa letter but please dont be. Its just a normal feeling I guess.
Matagal ko na siyang napapansin actually kasi nasasabi din sakin ni shie, pero I dunno what to feel. You know already that Im not into relationships. I dunno why siguro kasi hindi pako sigurado sa buhay ko and Im scared. Pero you know what Since the day na nagsimula tayong mag share about lifes and all, tinuturing na kita as My Bestfriend , and I dont want na masira yun. I feel so loved today na nabasa ko yung letter mo , Thats why Im so thankful din sayo, diko pa to nasasabi but everytime mag rarant ako sayo and may nagaganap na iyakan, if i feel okay na, magprepray ako and thanking again that you saved me again. Sobrang laki ng tulong mo sakin since nakilala kita lalo na nung times na hirap ako sa hospital. I always think about you guys who’ve I met in bigo kasi may nakakausap ako. And now na nabasa ko yung letter dont be awkward, dont worry walang magbabago. Youre always the baliw na nakilala ko . Thankyou for caring and loving me, I will always pray for you too.🫶"

Me to Ericka:

"Why I feel so sad hahahha para tayong namamaalam sa isa't isa wtf.... pero yeah we're in the same both eh i didn't see myself rin in a relationship that's why i always keep hiding what i really feel about you and same to you ayoko rin masira yung relasyon na nasimulan natin as a friend kasi you know what everytime na iniinsist nila ako to confess iniisip ko lagi na "oras na ba?" Kasi ayoko talaga i mean ayoko mag confess kasi one day baka magbago nga lahat and ayoko mangyari yon, ayoko dumagdag sa problema na kinakaharap mo, ayoko sumabay don sa dalawa kasi for sure we're both laughing at each other kung sakaling napaaga yung pagsabi ko. So ito rin di ko pa nasasabi sayo na nung time na nakalabas kana nung hospital medyo nagiba yung feelings na nararamdaman ko don na nag start yung kaba everytime that i think of you. Then remember that worship song na favorite ko? "You have chosen me" everytime na pinapatugtog ko toh i always ask God kung ano nga ba role ko rito and "bakit ako?" I always ask na "bakit ako" ganyan ganyan tapos nung nakaraan sabi ko Lord i think alam ko na yung role ko dito. Alam mo ba nung nag llive ka na ulit after mo ma hospital sabi ko sa sarili ko "tapos na yung role ko kay Ericka" kasi nakikita na kita na tumatawa na ulit and you always smile a lot na, then eto na nga sabi ko Lord kung role ko po pagalingin yung puso ng iba i'm willing to help them kasi everytime na may naeencounter ako na nakakaranas rin ng matinding suffer sabi ko "eto nanaman, ako nanaman" pero you know what I'm thankful and happy kasi ako yung napili to fullfill that role. Pero wait please be honest to me did you already found him? So i can distance myself

And Ericka if you feel alone again, if you're not feel better i'm always here to be your shoulder na pwede mo sandalan, tenga na handang makinig sayo, I'm always here for you and thank you always."

It makes my heart flutter and i'm happy that we're still in good terms, i'm happy that there's no rejection that happen after she read that message. We're in the same boat, we're both unready to enter in a relationship, we're both thinking about our friendship, we think that our friendship will be wasteful, as of now we stay in a relation we're having right now, i'm also happy that she doesn't have anyone who's courting her, I'm really happy Ericka.

It makes my heart flutter, I'm glad we're still on good terms, and there was no rejection after she received that message. We're in the same boat; we're both unprepared to enter into a relationship; we're both thinking about our friendship; we both think that our friendship will be wasteful; for the time being, we stay in the relationship we have; I'm also happy that she doesn't have anyone courting her; I'm really happy Ericka.

After that, I called a friend to inform her about what had happened, and we ate while discussing how relieved I was that there had been no rejection. After that, after we finished eating, I decided to go home, and while walking and listening to my favorite song, I always smiled to consider what happened now, and every step I took, I thought about you, what happened to my heart? When I think about you, my heart smiles. Thank you and God's night for making this night so memorable for me.