Words I Want To Say To You

A month before we met (day 4)

I'm only watching your livestream, but I'm nervous? My heart is racing so quickly that I can't figure out why. Perhaps I'm nervous because I'm running out of time? That one day I might not be able to contact you again.

I often listen to worship music to relax since I constantly overthink what will happen next. I'm afraid I'll lose you one day, Ericka; could you kindly do me a favor and wait for me? I'm not sure what to do right now; all of my excitement has vanished, and this letter is filled with sadness, emotion, and feelings I'm experiencing. You've met a lot of people now, including that one friend who is teasing you to someone, and I'm jealous. I can't handle the jealousy I'm feeling right now; is this a normal part of love? Because this is my first time experiencing it, and I'm going insane.

There's a lot of thoughts i'm having right now and I tell to my friend about this and she said "I told you to court her already, there's a big regretion if someone preceded you" and i was like "I don't know what to do". What is the best thing to do? Should i confess now? Or wait for few more days? I really don't know.

I told myself I'd just put everyone to sleep to get rid all of my worries, but when I woke up, everything was still the same.

God's Morning

My heart is still racing, but not as fast as it was last night; when I awoke, I went straight to your live; you are so beautiful; you are the reason why my heart smiles; I am delighted to see you smiling, unlike me, whose emotions are still mixed.

I'm not sure why I'm glad that there's no people at your live, the sort where I'm the only one watching, since it allows me to forget about the things I'm thinking about. You have no idea how I truly feel about you; I'm content with what we have and embrace whatever fate has in store for us. Every wave of your hair shows how lovely someone like you is, crimson lips and cunning eyes that make me feel as if I'm being murdered if you stare at me.

Why is your voice so charming when you shout someone's name when they join your life, and your reddish chubby cheeks when you grin are the most beautiful thing I've seen this morning? I adore everything you do.

I'm not sure how I feel right now, but I'm delighted I made you smile, Ericka; you're always the reason why my body feels jumbled, and I'm truly in love with you.

I claim I simply want to tease Yve in your live, but all I say is true; I genuinely want to marry someday, I want to take care of you, I want to do everything in my power to make you happy, and you're still clueless of my feelings for you. And now I'm wondering how you felt when you saw all I talked about; do you know that I already like you? Or are you simply acting? I'm not sure how you feel about me, but even if we only talk for a few minutes, it makes me happy.

I have a nice conversation with Yve and that's the first time I'm became serious to your live and I'm happy that we talk like that,

Two and a half hours later, I'm sitting in a schoolroom waiting for something; while waiting, I had a flash of inspiration as a train passed by.

What are you up to now? Do you enjoy playing mobile games? Are you resting? I hope you are enjoying what you are doing right now, but don't forget to take a break.

When I got home, I immediately chatted with you about how I feel right now but I'm hesitant to say, then after I calmed myself, I told you that my heart beats faster and you asked "why?" And then I continue, last night when I just entered your live, my heartbeat suddenly quickened, the reason is I get jealous that time but now I don't know, and then this morning when I entered your live again until your last minute, my heartbeat keeps beating faster and I don't know why. I'm not jealous or unhappy, I'm not filled with love and joy, I'm just sleepy, but when I chatted you, it started again, what happened in my heart? "Oh My God"

It's 10:37 p.m., and I'm still wondering what this emotion I'm having right now is all about. My heart beats faster and quicker; this is excruciatingly uncomfortable. Why am I feeling unhappy and lonely again, and should I revert to my former self? I was alone and in the dark in a room full of thoughts. Is this feeling so painful, or am I just harming myself with my thoughts? Why am I continuously wondering what's up with her? Is she already has someone? Please no, could you please wait until we meet? I told myself that I already accept what would happen to both of us in the future, but what's with this feeling? Please let me know if you already have someone so that I can keep my distance. I don't want to fool with myself because of you; I love you, Ericka, even if you don't realize it.