𝗘𝗿𝘀𝗮𝘁𝘇 𝗟𝗲𝗺𝗮𝗻 | 𝖿𝖺𝗇𝗍𝖺𝗌𝗒

0. Prologue

Rêver,

This is probably going to be the end of it all. The end of me writing down things, so that I can at least relieve myself off the rock crushing me. The withering parts of me want me to jump off the cliff that I've been confined on... While the other part of me wants to live on, paying no heed to their balderdash.

It's not my fault that I ended up like this. It is not my mother's fault that I feel this way. It's not anyone's fault, for God's sake. No. Not anyone's. But they just do not understand. Because... They say it is not normal.

They say I'm sick in the head. That I should not be feeling this way to someone who should've been my comrade. That I should be reciprocating this to the girls out there. To the women who are willing to lay down their lives for something as deplorable as my wife. But, I don't want to. That's not me. And I want to be me.

I can not envisage what exactly normal means to them. Should I hold a girl to myself and say, 'She's the one I'm going to marry, mother'? Should I parade around with her saying I am the only man worthy of her heart? Should I press my lips against her and say I want to have an heir with her?

It's a labyrinth in here. They expect you to do something... But they don't tell you what they expect. We ought to figure it out ourselves. And if we figure it out wrong? Then we aren't normal. We are anomalies. A disgrace to family. Disgrace to society. Disgrace to the future generations.

A few days back, I did find someone who accepted me for my not-so-normal self. Isai Nosenko his name is. For once, I could find myself letting loose in his benignity. His warmth was... Oh-so comforting. And his words... They're to no comparison with the spears that my own people flung at me. He knows just what to say to keep me calm and serene. And even if I can't see his face, it doesn't matter. For what lies in a face when his persona can make up for a million lost diamonds. My solace rests with him. It forever will. It changes... Love changes a person. And I know it, because I have.

I love it, now, that gay also means happy, because it reminded me that I have a divine right to love, to be loved, to find joy upon this earth as I seek to use my talents in the service of others. A gay man should be a happy man, or at least, be able to find happiness as any other. Love is love, so turn that rainbow frown upside down. For it doesn't concern someone else what I do with what I love and cherish.

For me, at this moment of time, it is not the union of two genders that equals as marriage. No. The prime motivation is adoration. The love that I can feel when his words lull me to sleep, is the last thing I want when I finally cross over to oblivion. I know he'll be there for me when I need him the most; during long, moonlit nights that I can't sleep in, during the afternoon when the blinding sun gives me headaches. Everyday. Every time, every moment. So long, Rêver. Goodbye.

Havryil Vovk

"Opportunities don't knock on your door."