Because you're the Meaning

Chapter 12

    Entry No. 1,
 
My ideal Man..
 
This journal will be all about  my personal idea of love, i hate that typical writing of journal hahaha Tae yun nakapa basic.. So lets start.

This feeling started the moment I found myself happy with his presence, I had my first crush at the age of 15. But I wanna keep it secret since we are both young, I guess his as my ultimate ideal Man.
 
    I dont want a man who’s too formal. Gusto ko yung takas sa mental... Who’s someone knows how to sing and dance, basta may talent na lang. Na kapag feeling bored and plain ng araw, His able to at least sing a song for me, Someone that is welling to uplift my mood, Di naman sakin mahalaga ang itsura niya o kaya yung estado ng buhay na meron sila, ang gusto ko yung totoo sa nararamdaman niya…..
 
   Come on.. I knew everthing about it grace.  If you like mamaya na natin yan pag usapan pagkatapos nitong klase ko.

 
   Seryosong sabi nito, na mukhang naboboring sa pinagbabasa ko. Then agad nitong ibinaling ang sarili sa ginagawa niya.

Alam ko rin kasi kung sino yung crush mo noon diba?

Huh? Alam mo sino? I asked surprised.

Ito naman parang gulat na gulat ka diyan, diba isa si denver sa naging mga crush mo dahil he always gave you chocolates and flowers diba? Tapos ang saya saya mo pa nun?

Si denver? Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi nito.

Hindi ko kaya naging crush yun, lahat yun fake smiles and fake kilig..I only had one, che!

I murmured.

Alis kana nga diyan, mamaya yung crush mo pa ang maisulat ko sa ginagawa ko eh.  Natural na sagot nito sakin.

 
    I signed..

 
Kailangan ko siyang bigyan ng time..
 
  Okay fine, whenever you’re hungry, food is right just besides you... Or just go straight to the kitchen, Okay? Lets just talk about it later.. Sabi ko habang pababa ng kama niya...

 
 
   Di ko na hinintay kung ano mang magiging reaksyon niya.
   Ramdam ko na hindi pa bumabalik ng buo ang pagsasama namin. It always need time. Pero this time ill be patient and do everything para ibalik yun. 

 
   Hey! How is everything? Where's mom?
 
  Ka video call ko ngayon si ate sa room ko. Habang nakahilata ako.
 
   Were fine here ate, as always, si mom, shes in the kitchen i guess, anyways can't wait for your return ate,  Casual na sabi ko
 
   Thats great, umiyak kaba bat parang namamaga yang mga mata mo.. Patango tango nitong sabi, anyway Eh si natalie, kayo ni natalie??
 
    Don't worry about us ate.. You know Natalie very well naman diba...
 
  You know what, may nahahalata ako bunso.
 
Agad akong panatingin Kay ate.. In a exhausted look..
 
   Aisuss daming napapansin.. Alam mo kakausapin ko pa si papa... Matamlay kong sagot.
 
   Hoy gracia! Kilala kita at kayong dalawa... Akala mo ba di ko nahalata, kayong mga bata kayo,  lalo na nung birthday niya... Magsasalita na ako.. Buwan na din na matamlay ang pagsasama niyo ni Natalie... Kagagawan mo diba?!  Nananahimik LANG ako kasi hinihintay kong umayos, pero alam ko yung mga nangyayari diyan, bakit parang walang nangyayari?
 
    Isinubsob ko lang ang mukha ko sa unan.
 
 
   Oh siya! Ikaw nang nakakakilala saming dalwa... Dont worry I'm working on it...
   I said, still I'm the same position.
 
  Hey, Grace, bunso... Just think and do the right thing... By doing that, you will be free and be comfortable again... You don't have any idea how lucky you are, just to think about. Kahit friend or best friend. Natalie is one of the best part and gift that god had given you... Maldita ka kasi kay Natalie hay naku grace. Magmatured kana nga.
 
   After that call,parang nawalan akong gana tawagan si Papa pero dahil uuwi ito, I called him... Hinahanap ko lang ang pagiging malambing niya saakin. Since his not always by my side..But He never fails to comfort me and treat me like his princess.  
Since magkaiba ang oras naman mabilis lang na kamustahan ang nangyari pero sobrang nakakaoverwhelm sa pakiramdam.
 
   Fast forward.
 
Its already 6:49 in the afternoon Naglakad lakad ako sa palibot ng bahay. Bringing my journal with me,  Nang makita ko si natalie nakaupo and playing his feet in the pool
 
    I quietly walk towards him. And then sat besides him.
 
   First year, tandang tanda ko...
 
Panimula ko, bahagya niya akong tiningnan.
 
   When I had my first crush. Alam mo yun, ang weird pala. Feeling ko that time abnormal yung nararamdaman ko...
 
   Tsk, kailan kaba naging normal huh? Soft voice na sabi nito na may tipid na ngiti...
 
   I just grin.. Tapos pakampay kampay lang ng paa sa pool.
 
   I continue speaking.
 
   That was the time i decided to write those magical feelings. As my remembrance of my ignorance of having a crush...
The more entries. The more I got the chances of shaping it into my ideal man.
Napapangiti nalang ako habang nagkwe-kwento
 
  
   *Last Journal Entry
 
If faith allows me to be with him, or find a love of my life. and if we really meant for each other, I'll wait for that perfect time. To my future man,   I'd like a relationship that is something worked as friendship goals. Somewhat like these, talk like best friend, play like children, protect each other like brother and sister,  In short I wanted a man that I'm so comfortable of. Who accept me with all my imperfections, for who I am and with all my flaws and craziness.  Yet cares so much of me like a doctor and lastly great and lovely to talk with. And if ever we got into fights, I'd like to fix it with our sweet and chessy words, and no giving up.  also has a positive and deep perspective about life, I don't care about his economic status too, all i wanted is his true affection for me, a man that is willing to hug me, hold my hand  and kiss me every time.
 
Love, for me its meaning was about being happy, contented and comfortable with your partner. Who always care and treat you like there's no other woman in this world, a man who always understand, ready to listen, forgive and let you grow and a man speaks with wisdom..That's my ideal man and the of love for me. -03/24/15
 
   Edrick, really loves that last entry... He said while looking up to the sky.
     just after I have done reading it.
 
  Then I took a deep breath.