"Do you normally make-out with the people you're hired to kill? It doesn't strike me as very professional."
"Put the gun down," Gabriel panted, not answering her.
"Why on earth would I do that?"
"Because you're not going to shoot me," Gabriel rep...
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Carter took a sip from the glass, then struck it with a spoon. Finally satisfied, he put it down to complete his makeshift xylophone. He didn't know if it was evaporation or if he had somehow spilled some, but the A flat glass had been slightly too high. Then he added too much water, lowering it too much. He had spent the past 5 minutes adding and subtracting just to get the pitch right.
It was worth it though. Having something to play helped him manage the anxiety. It wasn't his preferred choice of violin or piano, but it still worked. He was just grateful that no one questioned why all the glassware in the house had gone missing, leaving them to drink exclusively out of mugs. And that no one complained about all the noise coming from his room as he tried to learn how to play. He honestly hoped they hadn't noticed - he played as quietly as possible and always made sure to shut the door.
Carter hesitated for a moment as he thought about what he wanted to play. He didn't have to think for long. Smiling, he began softly striking the glasses, singing along in his head as his foot tapped out the beat.
I want/ someone to love me
I need/ someone who needs me
Cause it don't feel right when it's late at night/
And it's just me in my dreams.
Carter had loved Lil Nas X's song since it first came out, but it felt slightly different now. Partly because he hadn't been alone in his dreams for a few days now. And partly because he didn't want any boy to cuddle with him all night. He wanted a specific boy - one with eyes and skin as deep, dark, and beautiful as the Hudson river. He would happily drown in those eyes.
He loved Lisa, and he was still grieving her loss. But she had been very up front with him that she had never wanted kids and had no idea what she was doing. She tried her best with Carter, but she was also extremely career driven, which ended up meaning that Carter had to figure out how to fit himself into her life. On the positive side, he became extremely independent. But on the negative side, he had never had someone who would drop everything to come to his rescue.
That is, until Levi.
Levi knew exactly how to calm him down, knew exactly how to make him feel safe. Levi was his lighthouse: a fiery beacon that could guide him effortlessly out of the darkness of his own mind.
You're mistaking shared trauma for compatibility. You both have had panic attacks. That doesn't make you soulmates. Levi is helping you because it's what's best for the group, and you're so affection starved that you're interpreting it as something more.
Face it Carter, you have nothing to offer him. You have nothing to offer anyone besides excessive neediness. No one will ever truly love you.
Carter winced. It always started with a seemingly innocent thought, then started to spiral. He could feel it happening now, the ominous mental shadows threatening to plunge him into darkness. So he did the only thing he could think of to calm himself down - he played as fast as he possibly could. Playing that intensely made it practically impossible for him to think of anything besides the next notes. It was only a temporary relief because as soon as he stopped playing, the thoughts would return. But it was a nice, brief peace.
