Hold on; I still want you

Chapter 6

Hera swiped clean every single surface on the ship. She had tidied up Jacen's toys, and any leftover weaponry kept on the ship after missions and had even scrubbed all the oil stains on the floors and walls.

She prepped Ezra's room and increased the ventilation to try and get the 'Zeb smell' out of the room. They would have to get the long route to avoid imperial patrols. After the Death Star, they had increased security measures.

She was finishing up when Kanan walked into the common room still in pajamas and holding Jacen against his chest.

" 'morning"

"Why aren't you dressed yet?" Hera slapped his shoulder and took her baby in her arms, landing a kiss on his forehead.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Ezra will be here any second" she simply replied heading to the kitchen. She pulled the baby jogan cream she'd made earlier that morning.

"So? He's seen me in my pajamas. We've seen him in his pajamas. Didn't he live here some time ago?" Kanan smiled kissing her on the cheek.

He ruffled his son's hair and went to start on the caff.

"Make some for Ezra and his friend" she reminded him.

She smiled as Jacen cooed.

"We are letting the kid drink caff now?" He said half-joking half-concerned.

Hera sighed. "He's not much of a kid anymore. Just turned twenty, two months ago. All grown up"

Kanan chuckled, looking back at her. "Yeah, all grown up, huh?" There was something bittersweet about all this.

"God, can you believe it? Six years" he poured the caf on the mugs bringing them to the table.

Hera took one and smiled too. "I still can't" Hera felt her heart clench. Had all this time really passed? It felt like a dream.

"We did good" Kanan smiled, something nostalgic in his gaze.

Hera slightly frowned. If only he knew the extent of her failure in the past few months. Kanan had always done right by Sabine and Ezra and pretty much all of their crew. And yet the moment he couldn't be there, Hera had managed to destroy everything they had worked on for the past six years.

They'd lost Ezra. After all the times they had comforted him, reassured him that they would never abandon him, that he would never have to earn his place, what had she done?

Nothing. She'd done nothing. Which made her twice as bad as the people who'd hurt him. The imperials didn't know Ezra. Didn't care for him. They just wanted to be taken back home. She did know him. She loved him like her own. Like she loved Jacen.

She had allowed her grief about what happened to Kanan and the relief of finding him alive to take over everything else. She had assumed Ezra would be okay. He was not there so a part of her had forgotten about him. The distress call from that stormtrooper had been a reality check.

She had rushed in to save him but it hadn't been enough. Sure she had saved him from any immediate danger but then she had left him to deal with the aftermath all on his own. The fact that she was close to labor may count as an excuse.

It was not enough though to cover for the next month. She had lied to Kanan to not upset him. Then she tried so hard to keep the secret hidden that she pushed Ezra away. When he declined to live at the Ghost she didn'push, didn't wait for him to explain. She accepted it because it made her life easier. Because it meant Kanan would never find out.  She never visited. After a while rumors about what had happened started to make rounds around the base. There already were rumors about Lothal but Ezra's return was a spark that set off a wildfire.