This Love (Belly's Version)

Summer 8

The first time I think I ever felt true sadness was the last day of Jocelyn's stay at the summer house.

"I don't want you to go."

I remember my tears tasting salty and my glasses getting foggy. We were on my bed, door closed and limbs intertwined. The sun was peaking through the blinds and I could hear my mom and Susannah shuffling around in the kitchen. They were making a quick breakfast for us before Susannah took Jocelyn back home. The boys were all still asleep in their rooms. This was quiet moment. Her forehead against mine. Our noses bumping together. She smelled sweet like always.

"I don't wanna leave either."

She sniffles and I feel another tear slide down my face. I knew I still have a whole month of summer left. Nights full of the moms and the boys. Of Conrad. He'd told me the other day that he wished we'd hang out more before summer ends. I told him I would. But laying here in this bed, with this girl, I wished time would stop. I didn't know when I'd see her again but even in the short time we spent together, I felt...something. I didn't know what it was but I wanted her to stay by my side forever. I wanted everyday to be like these last weeks had been. Waking up and falling asleep together. Having our hands all over each other even as we did regular things. Kissing in the dim light when no one was watching. I didn't want this summer to end.

"You'll come back next summer, right?"

Jaces lips curl a little and we both know the answer. There wasn't one. We were only eight years old. We didn't know how to use email or text people. We didn't know if we'd ever see each other again. Maybe that would make it easier. Maybe I could've forgotten about her. Maybe one day I'd be talking to Conrad on the beach house porch, late at night. Maybe we would've gotten a little drunk or high and he'd bring her up. Maybe I could've looked back on it and forgotten all of it. Maybe he wouldn't mention her at all. Maybe we would've kissed instead, just like it was supposed to be. Maybe I could've forgotten her existence entirely. But who would know?

"I'll try."

I smiled. A sliver of hope was enough. I heard footsteps running up the stairs and we pull away from each other. A knock comes from the door and then handle turns.

"Good morning girls!"

The moms gave us both big smiles and we smile back. The smell of bacon and eggs hit my nose and I look over at Jocelyn. Her cheeks are round her eyes are bright. It made me wanna cry. Hours later after we'd eaten breakfast and said our goodbyes, Jocelyn said she had to use the bathroom. Susannah agreed with her, saying that they'd have a long trip. I barely missed it. The subtle wave of her hand. The way her eyes shifted. She wanted me to come with her. I waited until the moms were distracted with cleaning before I followed after her. I practically ran down the hall and to the bathroom. The door was slightly cracked open and I pushed it slowly. She was standing there, waiting for me. I slowly moved in and shut the door behind me. There were no words that moved between us. There didn't need to be. Her hands grabbed my face and pulled us together. We kissed like that first night. Hard and fast. We reeked of desperation, a need to remember.

"Jocelyn! We gotta go sweetie!"

I pulled away first. Our foreheads rest together and her hands warmed my face. I took a deep breath, the sweetness filling my nose. Her hands fall and my skin feels cold. She backs away and I feel empty. I look up at her and she smiles. That beautiful full smile that makes you believe that everything will be okay. A smile that you'd die to see again. She walks past me, leaving the door open behind her. I don't follow her. Her frizzy hair bounces as she disappears down the staircase. I shut my eyes and force myself to remember everything. Her smell. Her smile. Her hair. Her. Just her. I could hear Susannah's car pull out of the driveway but I stayed still. I didn't want to forget her. I felt like if I even moved an inch, everything would disappear. All the nights and all of the days. They would all slip away. The engine of Susannah's car disappeared from my ears and I opened my eyes. The house was quiet.

"Belly! Come play cards with us!"

Conrad's voice came from the kitchen and I smiled. She was gone but Conrad was still here. He'd always be here. Besides, it's not like I liked girls, right?