This Love (Belly's Version)

Realization

"What happened?"

I look up from my plate. The drive home had been silent for the most part. Except when Steven tried to crack a joke but even he caught on and shut his mouth. I didn't think it was that obvious that something had happened. But then again, Jace could always see right through me. Her eyes squint at me. I fight the urge to look back down at my poorly made turkey sandwich. I had only taken a bite but the anxiety filling me made me feel like I was on the verge of vomiting.

"What'd you mean?"

Jace rolls her eyes and pulls out a chair from the table. Conrad was off somewhere with his girlfriend Nicole and Jeremiah was riding around with Steven. The moms had taken the day to go lay out on the beach. We were alone again.

"The car ride? Everything was completely fine until you guys were alone. Something happened. I know it did."

Her head cocks slightly, making her hair shift. I had always wanted to run my fingers through it. I imagined it felt as soft as it looked. Her face looked concerned, like she was waiting for the bad news.

"I think Jeremiah has a crush on me."

My mouth shuts and I feel my jaw tighten. I'd barely registered the words coming out of my mouth. Jaces face changed from a frown to a smile.

"I mean hello! Wasn't it obvious?"

Obvious? No. Uncomfortable? Sorta?

"But that's the problem. I don't like him like that."

Jace rolls her eyes and rests her chin on the back of her.

"Let me guess, your still inlove with Conrad."

I sighed. Everyone thought that. I mean, they weren't wrong but it sorta frustrated me that whenever I said I didn't like a boy, everyone in my life assumes it because of him. I have valid reasons not to like Jere. For one, we grew up together. He's like my brother and I would rather not date Steven.

"I'm not completely inlove. A part of my heart will always belong to him but that's not the only reason I don't like Jeremiah like...that."

Jace squints again. It was like she was trying to read between the lines. Looking for some crack in the foundation. But there wasn't any. I didn't like Jeremiah like that, plain and simple.

"Why though? I mean him and Conrad are pretty similar except...he's better."

She shrugs and leans back in the chair. Better? How was he better? I mean Conrad had gotten a little distant and mean lately but he's a teenage boy. Steven did the same for a while but he eventually got out of it. Conrad was mysterious and charming. Jeremiah was goofy and attentive. I could see where Jace was coming from but no. It was Conrad. It had to be Conrad.

"It doesn't matter. Jeremiah is like my brother and Conrad will always be my first love. It has to be him."

I shrug and poke my sandwich. I really shouldn't waste Susannah's food.

"Has to?"

I look back up at Jace. Her brows are raised and her eyes are slightly widened.

"Well I mean...it's always been him. Susannah always told me that I was destined for one of her boys. It's not Jeremiah so it has to be Conrad."

Jace sits up and her eyes shift from the wall and back to me.

"So, what I'm hearing is, because Susannah said that she wants you to marry one of her boys...you have to?"

What? No! Absolutely not!

"I don't have to but-"

"Exactly. You don't have to."

My mouth snaps shut again and my brows fur. What was she trying to imply? It's not like I was being forced to be with one of Susannah's boys but I just felt like...

"Oh shit."

I eyes meet Jaces. There's a small smirk on her face. She's always been smug little ass.

"I don't have to."

"Bingo!"

She winks and I feel the slight skip on my heart. I didn't have to be with Jeremiah or Conrad. I didn't have to keep making excuses for Conrad's behavior. I deserved better. Why had it taken me this long to realize that I deserved better? I look back at Jace. Her smile is till going strong and my mind begins to think back to the summer when we were eleven. The first time. I squeeze my eyes shut and force myself to stop thinking about it. We had never really talked about it. What we would do late at night, safe under the covers of my sheets. I know now that it wasn't appropriate for our age but it's not like I actually lost my virginity. We were stupid kids that had fooled around when we didn't even know what the word meant. When we didn't know the weight that those actions would hold.

"Belly?"

I blink and Jaces face is concerned again. I had zoned out.

"Sorry. Just thinking."

I shift in my chair and look back down at my sandwich. I still felt too nauseous to eat it. All of this was happening too fast. But I understood why. When we were kids, Jace always put things in perspective for me. Even if that perspective slapped me in the face with the truth. This was one of those times. I had options other then Conrad. I didn't have to keep waiting. But something inside of me felt wrong. Shameful. What did I have to be ashamed about?

"I think I'm gonna go take a nap."

I stand from my seat, leaving my sandwich on the table. I don't push my chair in. I don't look back as I walk up the staircase. She doesn't follow. My shame goes away.