The first love is forever

Despair

<< Sometimes I forget that you are gone, I forget that I have hurt you, I forget the monster I have become. >>

-Matias A.

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Yoongi had been living alone for almost two months, it was beginning to be something normal that he did not come home, his mind was now in complete chaos, he did not understand his new thoughts and that he was a lot of thinking in silence everything he did, he said, saw.

Now he did not feel like going home , to a lonely , cold and silent shabby apartment . he had to admit it, he missed when he got to that place before and upon entering he saw NamJoon dancing while preparing dinner, he missed doing his homework and forcing him to watch cheesy movies with him.

Now there was only silence and the place apart was a mess.  His clean clothes sometimes mixed with his dirty ones and all scattered on the floors of the house.  He looked like a complete pigsty and NamJoon was no longer there to remind him.

Little by little he began to lose his sanity about the flight of the blue-haired man.  He was gone, he had disappeared from his life because he had gotten him pregnant, but he could not be responsible for a child, he had a dream, he wanted to be a rapper, that dream had been shared with NamJoon since he was young and he could not afford to abandon everything what with work he had achieved.

    He wasn't going to do.

Yoongi wanted the world in his hands and to be one of the best artists, but now he couldn't find motivation, he didn't know what his reasons were for doing things.

He sighed once more and walked towards his chair to rest a bit, he needed to clear his thoughts once and for all before sinking further into his filth.

Then the thousand memories with NamJoon came to his mind, his games as children, his teasing, his jokes and his pranks on society, he needed to get away from those thoughts, he did not want to think about all that because then he thought about everything that NamJoon suffered in these moments .

However, once again he stood by his decision, he did not need Kim NamJoon or his absurd homosexual things, he was a straight man, he had a beautiful girlfriend and his studies were progressing more and more, although it was easier when he came home from the parties. and their tasks were already done.  No doubt NamJoon was only used for that, to make him an unpaid servant, he really wanted to believe that.

But the guilt settled in his heart every time he kept those ideas in his brain, as if something inside him told him that NamJoon was more than that, he was his friend, his dongsaeng , a part of his soul, but that for him he sounded so homosexual and was repudiated.

He couldn't resist those thoughts anymore, they distracted him from everything he believed in and that was only and exclusively becoming a rapper, he didn't have time for anything else that was emotional, he couldn't afford to have a bad reputation from that moment on either.

Everyone was supposed to fear him because he was a gang member and one of the worst, he was violent, an alcoholic, a smoker and a womanizer, everyone knew them and he loved that, being in clandestine races and fights earning money, having street rap duels in bars and alleys where they sold drugs, facing other groups that threatened to get into their territory, he was a kind of potential mobster, but clandestine like everything he did, he did not want to be with NamJoon and the baby nam was carrying thanks to his abnormality in his conscience if something were to happen to them, he was not for that obviously.

There he was again thinking about him, about his dealings, he was fed up, fed up of remembering how Nam healed him every time he arrived injured and covered in blood, his and other's from getting into fights, as he always covered up for him when the police came and acted so cute with them that they forgot about the problem, as he always waited for him with dinner ready and tried to wait for him even if he arrived at dawn the next day simply because he was worried about him.

No , he couldn't allow himself to continue thinking about emotional things .  Annoyed, he pounded on the wall in a desperate attempt to silence his riotous thoughts about everything Kim NamJoon and everything that almost involved him taking care of a baby.

However, he still thought of everything that Nam sacrificed for him, from the moment Namjoon ran away with him simply and simply because his parents did not accept him being with him any longer, abandoning his fortune and his great studies in the best schools in Korea and his trips to the west, despite the fact that he earned his place at the prestigious university in seoul where he was studying without the need for money, but again he had to abandon it and again because of him.

He yelled and yelled loudly trying to get rid of those thoughts once and for all, he couldn't go on like this, since the tall man had left the apartment he had been depressed because he wasn't with him, had he gotten so used to it?  Where was his promise not to have feelings?  In the shit like everything that happened in his life lately.

He was entering a chaotic point in his mental form, that point where you want answers no matter what it takes and he couldn't calm down because he kept having those thoughts over and over again as if it was a punishment.

But he was not going to ruin his life with a family at a young age, he was not going to ruin it for a family in general, he should not have long-term relationships, he should not be more than a passing boy, he was one of his best options and for years it had remained that way, why was it different now?  What was so special about Kim NamJoon?

-AH!  WHY THE FUCK DO I THINK ABOUT HIM SO MUCH?!  IT'S A PHENOMENON, FUCK!- He shouted desperately breaking with his fist the mirror placed on the wall of the room causing the pieces of different sizes of glass to fall.

His bloody hand lowered slowly , he did not care about the pain at that moment , in fact it relieved the headache caused by his thoughts .

your desperation

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UPDATE of the day !  Now begins the suffering of Min Yoongi ladies and gentlemen, I hope you liked it.
Sorry for my mistake in chapter.
Take care ❤
Bye 💖