The first love is forever

Distance

«Your actions don't always tell me what happens nor am I a fortune teller, please look at me, talk to me, give me even a sign that you care about me, that what I feel is reciprocated and then I'll stay»

-Matias A.
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Since that day Yoongi had used NamJoon as an outlet for his problems, sex solved everything, right?  It took away the stress and helps you concentrate better, but what does it feel like when one of the parties really feels something?

It only feels pain, because his mind knows the answer to something his heart refuses to believe, something it closes its senses to and manages to keep in its imagination.  Tears and pain, pain and pain, always the same emotions burning a paper heart left on top of the fire.

NamJoon no longer knew where to step, he hated reality, knowing that Yoongi, his best friend, the one he loved so much, was only there occupying his body because he was stressed, because it was an easy way out instead of flirting with a girl;  Nam felt like a sex toy, in fact he was.

Now he was back in bed, his body aching because Yoongi had decided to do it without even waiting for an answer.  Tears were present again and ran down hiz cheeks, he only cried when Yoongi was gone, because he didn't want him to know how much what was happening with him hurt , because he was afraid of the reactions or that he felt repulsion from him, he could also laugh and reject it.

he bit his lower lip and tried to erase those thoughts from his mind, trying not to hurt himself anymore, but no matter what he did, his mind kept repeating what it was;  Yoongi's whore.

Why keep lying?  Why keep loving him?  Why continue to fall for their webs of deceit?  Yoongi didn't love him, he didn't appreciate him, they weren't friends anymore, they weren't boyfriends, they were nothing, nothing more than casual sex and that hurt him, because there were no games anymore, there were no hugs, there was no support and there was never love existed.

He was a bad person for imagining that he could be with Yoongi, for having in his head a future full of love with the only person he has ever loved, he was a bad person for selling his body for a little affection, he was stupid for believing that someone who It wasn't Jimin loved him and he was even an asshole for always messing up and hurting Jimin in his problems.

They were no longer Yoongi and NamJoon, they were no longer brothers, no, no more, now with work and they saw each other, with work they talked, they were just casual sex, they were a joke, something that had no more sense of existence.

There was a great wall between them, of ice to be metaphorically precise.  A wall that did not let them see each other but if something was true it was that NamJoon did not want to see Yoongi, especially because something was hiding him.

he couldn't go on like this, he wouldn't go on like this, he was trying to resist as much as possible but his heart couldn't take any more, it wasn't worth keeping up with a man who doesn't love you, doesn't esteem you, doesn't value you, doesn't care about you anymore And you wonder if he ever cared for you.

NamJoon has always been one of those people who cares too much about everyone and anything, looking for different scenarios for each of the actions that someone takes, even himself.

He felt like an idiot for those very reasons, because no matter how much Yoongi ignores him or takes him without consent he will continue to love him, screaming his name in the darkness he now finds himself in trying to hear even for a second a "Here I am " and feel the warmth of a hug so that the cold of the pain is no longer killing him , he only asked for that , a little love , but not just any kind of love , he wanted what he could give him .

But that was never going to happen , there was no hope anymore and Nam knew it , he did not understand why he himself tried to refuse to believe it if he knew exactly it himself .  He tried to reach for Yoongi's hand all the time but he always walked away, they weren't meant to touch, they weren't meant to see each other or love each other, because one was normal and he was a freak, he was weird and he knew it.

Nam had never had a good self-esteem and was extremely depressed , it was understandable that at that moment he was in a flood of tears , his heart was trampled again by the same person who had previously used his heart to be jealous of a person ;  now it was his body.

He just wanted to be loved, but he got an incredible distance between the person he once called "Brother" who he once called "Friend" and now he only called "Yoongi".

With that thought he closed her eyes and said goodbye to the day , trying to escape to a world where he could be happy , even once , where there was no distance , where nothing was bad and where only love existed .

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Hi everyone
Update of the day What do you think of it?  I'm sorry to update so late because I had some health issues so I couldn't update.

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Comments which country are you all from?

Bye💜
Take care💜