The Beginning of the End (Newtmas)

Chapter 8

I warn anyone who reads this, that it could be triggering. Well, the beginning could be a little. And did I just update in under twelve hours :O What is happening?

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When Newt had come home that day, he couldn't take it. The pain he felt was almost unbearable and it didn't help that his mum was home and pissed off because some guy had dumped her. He couldn't handle it, and her hitting him only added onto the pain he already felt.

There was one thing he'd always do when the pain got too much, but he always told himself that it would be the last time, only to return to it when he became overwhelmed and needed a break. He didn't want to stop it on his own though, he couldn't stop on his own. Newt needed someone to notice and to help him through it. To be there for him. And maybe it was selfish of him to want to put someone else through his pain just so that he could get better, but that's how it was. However, Newt didn't have anyone who would notice. Thomas was done with him now, and no one else cared enough to do anything either.

So Newt found himself in the shower, watching as the blood ran down his arms and wrists, mixing with the water before disappearing down the drain. He couldn't feel any pain from the injuries he inflicted upon himself. The pain that he could feel was the pain that Thomas had given him. He hated that sort of pain, as it was not one that he was used to and had not learnt to deal with. Newt now needed to build another wall around him so that Thomas couldn't hurt him.

He let the scissors fall from his hands and hit the tiled floor beneath him, before sliding down the wall and sitting there as the water hit him from above. It was cold, very cold. Newt liked it like that, and he suddenly found himself crying again for the third time today. The very thing he tried to keep away from him was what he needed the most now. He needed Thomas here with him. Maybe to hold him for a little while. Or at least to tell Newt that he'd be okay, even if they both knew that he wouldn't be.

Newt could never be okay, not with Thomas barging in on his life the way he had. Everything Newt had come to believe, he suddenly questioned. Everything he was against, he found himself suddenly wanting. Because of one single person that he never even intended on meeting. He met Thomas because of a guy that hated him. It was ridiculous. It was stupid. But Newt wanted Thomas more than anything he'd ever wanted in his life. He craved the other's presence and knowing that he might suddenly never have him around again, made him shatter to pieces right where he was sitting now.

He hated the idea of relationships, love, anything like that. It scared him. But anytime he was around Thomas, he let go of that thought because he suddenly liked the idea of it. Newt wanted Thomas to love him, even if Newt would never believe it if the words left Thomas' lips. He wanted it to be true, even if it wouldn't be. And he definitely wanted to kiss Thomas. The very thought of looking into Thomas' brown eyes right before their lips met, made his heart skip a beat. And he wanted it. But it wasn't something for Newt to have.

Thomas hated him now, Newt knew that very well. Or at least he thought he did. So if Thomas hates him, then he has nothing to lose right? You can't lose something that was never yours in the first place.

So Newt dragged himself out of the shower, making sure that his cuts weren't bleeding anymore, which of course they were, so he bandaged them up before putting on a onesie. He went over to his desk before going over to his door, locking it in case his mother decided to barge in on him.

Newt unlocked his phone and went to lie back down on his bed, wrapping his blankets around him before hovering over the call button on Thomas' contact. It's three in the morning, Newt. He's not gonna answer. And maybe he wasn't gonna answer, but Newt liked to think that he would. So he pressed down on the call button as the screen switched to the caller ID, and the usual beep sounded as he waited to hear the others voice.