The Beginning of the End (Newtmas)

Chapter 12

Another triggering chapter. It's part of the story cause my character is a bit yea... but in case you don't wanna read that then don't and I can just tell you what happened if you ask, or tell you from what point you can read. Oh and they have this moment where they're both nude. They don't have sex or anything it's just that they're not wearing clothes so you can skip that too. Okay they do make out but that's it... I'm so embarrassed. Basically this whole chapter is a warning XD Dedicated to - Michael-Is-Lukes-Key Cause she's been a great friend to me since ages ago and she always wanted me to write smut and this is like the closest I've gotten so far XD so this is for her. And I felt bad for such a short chapter and it wasn't even that great so now I have one that's seventeen pages on my pages document. I never manage to get it just right. AND IM SO OBSESSED WITH THAT SONG. Even though I made it sexual. I'm a terrible person. AND THE TRAILER IS OUT FOR SCORCH TRIALS YAYY so I'm gonna watch that on repeat.

Newt broke his promise. He hadn't just gone through his usual two packets of cigarettes that week, he'd gone through four. And Newt had calculated that that's exactly seventy-six cigarettes that he had inhaled deadly chemicals of into his body. He wasn't happy with what he'd done, a huge amount of guilt started to build up in his stomach and his chest would ache when he thought of it. Thomas didn't know, Newt didn't want him to. But he knew that he would have to. If there was one thing he did know, it was that you should always be honest to the person you're with, wether the truth is a positive or negative.

However, that didn't make Newt want to tell him, and as a result, he became more guilty by the day, and more sad. He'd hurt Thomas a lot before, he'd hurt himself because of what he'd done to Thomas before too, but this was probably the first time where he felt so bad that he felt the need to speak of it or he'd go mad. But Newt wasn't capable of that. He didn't share, and even though Thomas had come to know some things about Newt, he was mostly a closed book. And the things that Thomas did know weren't exactly good things.

Newt wasn't able to fully grasp the others strong affection towards him, and he wasn't able to fully take in how much Thomas cared. He let Newt know a lot about his feelings because he wasn't as closed off and afraid, but Newt still couldn't fully accept it to the point where he knew that he could go to the other for anything. He was still afraid.

And then there were the screaming voices waking him up every night, and it got so bad that he almost wanted to scream himself. Newt never knew who was screaming, it had been a week of hearing the same screeching sound of someone, but he never knew who. It was too hard to tell, until tonight.

He woke up again, around two in the morning, and this time, he actually screamed himself. Because now he knew who's voice it was. It was Newt himself. Newt had been screaming in his dreams for a week now, and tonight it was clear enough to tell who the voice belonged to. He had been home alone tonight because his mum was out again, so no one was there to barge in when he'd let out a high pitched scream, tears streaming down his face as his chest moved up and down at a rapid pace. Breathe. Except he suddenly couldn't breathe anymore. It felt like something was sitting on his chest, constricting him off his air supply and barely leaving him with any in his lungs, and he started shaking as he stumbled to the bathroom before collapsing through the door and onto the tiled floor.

Newt was still conscious, but he couldn't move. He couldn't do anything besides letting tears continuously stream down his face, trying to get his breathing to even out before he'd start panicking that he could suffocate.

He lay there on the floor, not caring that the cold stone was pressing against his exposed chest. Newt just wanted to breathe. As soon as he got it back however, the familiar feeling in his stomach came. He felt the guilt of breaking a promise to Thomas. He had been incapable of keeping it as soon as he left Thomas' that morning he stayed over, but he had never imagined that he'd feel this bad about it. Maybe that's why he did it. Maybe that's why he always went back. His cigarettes used to take away guilt and pain, which is why he'd smoke another, and another, hoping that it would get rid of the guilt of breaking a promise. Instead, the feeling worsened for Newt.