"stay" - andy biersack

002

i lay in bed awake that night, the warmth of her body next to me.

except, it wasn't near me.
it wasn't the same.

she stirred halfway off the cold sheets, her arm dangling off. her face was pressed against the pillow, her lips slightly parted. she was so effortlessly perfect. her bare face with traces of mascara smudged on her eyelids, her black hair tucked into her neck.-

but what was i doing thinking about her this way? of course she was my girlfriend, but we had just had a huge fight before bed . i should be mad or something. she made it obvious that she was unhappy. i couldn't understand how, and that's when things got rocky. she hated explaining herself. in all honesty, i didn't want to make her press on into a relationship that she couldn't stand being in. but it just hurt my heart to come to the conclusion that she needed someone else. what did i do wrong? was it the fame?

i turned my body around and faced the wall, thinking constantly.

————

"mornin."
i half smiled, biting my lip ring. the dark circles under my eyes told it all.
she trudged into the kitchen, wiping her eyes,  yawning.
"morning..~~"

she stood in her black, silk pajamas as she waited for the coffee pot to click; the only noise along with her soft breathing. it was an awkward but comfortable silence. this was the first morning where it felt different. way different. i hated it.

i walked over to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. she didn't jump. her head turned towards me, eager thought in her mocha eyes. i made sure to make eye contact.

"i'm just heading out with CC.."
i said hesitantly, gripping onto her silk shoulder a little more. the look of neutral emotion spread across her face. a smile was brought on, her teeth sparkling.
"yeah.."
"to this meet and greet thing, you know—"

the look of disappointment quickly took over, the corners of her mouth straight. there was a moment of silence while i stood there, eventually throwing my hands up in the air and shaking my head. my unbrushed, long black hair swung around a bit.

"it's annoying i know. — look, i know we talked about us..and i know you feel this way because of this exact thing."
i looked her in the face, holding her.
"and i'm sorry."

without a doubt i lied in that sentence. sometimes it was inevitable. i really was sorry, but i loved meeting our fans, they were like family to me. i felt horrible saying it was annoying. why was i putting her above everyone when she was only my girlfriend by a thin thread? my head started to densely fog.

i was quickly snapped out of it.
"no.."
i just blinked.
"wha-?"
"no. you're not sorry, andy.."
she gulped as she got ready to explain.
how am i not sorry?
"i never told you the whole story. i-i just can't be in this situation anymore. it's more than the fame, the gain, the band, whatever. it's you. you. you never spend time with me anymore."
she started to raise her voice a bit, i shook my head in frustration.
"y'know what? then why don't you leave? i'm happy by myself."
i yelled at her, breathing heavily. my eyes were seeing red through their piercing blue. i felt completely betrayed, yet i sounded like the worst boyfriend ever.
....

i shouldn't have said that.

....

"i'm sorry, jo."