fire and ice | the divergent series

02: four.

(four)

my skin is on fire.

my heart feels as though it had been engulfed in thousands of microscopic flames, glowing bright as ever.

this is how she makes me feel. she as in, tris prior.

i was shook to my core seeing her fall into the pit today.

her eyes glimmering with hope and fear of the unknown.

mine dulled by the pain and suffering i have endured over the years.

she makes me want to believe in myself, and try to love.

love has never been something i've looked for in life.

everyone i should have loved, disappointed me in the end.

example number one: marcus eaton. my "dad".

he beat me. every time i did not act in a way that sufficed him.

he had no regard for my feelings, so i shut them off.

i stopped trying to make people care, and chose to simply not care for anyone.

beatrice makes me feel like caring could be worth it...

but i can't. i can't allow myself to become vulnerable.

instead, i shun her. humiliating her and her friend, christina.

i call her out for looking at me, when really, i want her to look at me.

i think she sees me as i truly am, and that itself makes me very hopeful.

she acts unfazed by my actions, but they probably have hurt her.

after all, the abnegation are used to doing all of the caring and expecting nothing in return.

she seems good at it, the caring thing.

i on the other hand, am not.

i hope that one day if i decide to care for her, she'll accept that i'll need time to become better, more fit for her love.

i'm not a man of many words.

i tend to keep to myself.

i pray that training goes by quickly, or honestly, that she is kicked out so i do not have to feel this way.

i can't afford to feel this way, not when my life is the way it has been.

i'm going to stay away from her. i have to. no matter what.

(tris)

why did he completely humiliate not only me, but christina as well?

christina is too good for this world, too perfect.

i wish i were more like her, she takes the insults so well.

i on the other hand, am hurt.

i try to push away those feelings, but they always find a way to resurface in the end.

four is an ass.

a self-loathing, disrespectful, ass.

one who i cannot fathom falling in love with.

but the problem is, i am starting to care for him.

caleb would tell me that it is meaningless, that we are meant to love someone who gives us love in return.

he would want me to find better. maybe eric is better.

he didn't humiliate me, or belittle my friend.