The Badboy's crush

Chapter 14- Welcome darkness

Before I start I want to say a few things. The MC Stacie may seem like she's a tough person and brave and confident but just like me she's just putting up a face. She does have a loving family and a best friend that she can depend on but there are other factors that lead her to this mentality that you are about read about.

I wanted to originally leave such a chapter out but I feel like I should show a different side of depression or numbness that most people don't really focus on. If you can relate, share your story in the comments, just get it off your chest. Just know someone out there will listen to your story.

What you are about to read is how I think and my mentality. Kindly keep a open mind for this chapter and if you get triggered by depression or anything like that, skip this chapter as I can assure you that you won't miss anything related to The Badboys Crush.

Proceed.

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I decided to take a bath and change into my Pj's. Kevin agreed and gave us all 3 hours before a pajama party. Idiot. I told Alex to go and shower in our room and asked Maggie to give me a room so I can bath and change.

As I entered the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. The confident, brave mask I had on my face crumbled. It's been 4 weeks since I felt the cold, unforgiving numbness in my heart. Damn it I thought I was improving, guess not.

My mind began it's torturing nitpicking at me. My nose isn't nice at all. My face is way too oily and the dark spots on my face are hideous. The blackheads on my chin make my face look hideous. My dark skin is way too dark.

Other girls put gel on their babyhairs but I don't. Other girls look flawless when taking pictures with regular camera while I just look unattractive. I'm too thin, my shoulders are pointy. I don't have curves like most girls. I don't go out much. I barely text anyone on my phone and if I do, I just get ignored. Nobody ever talks to me regularly causing me too go silent.

I don't look attractive at all. I'm just hideous but I lead people to think that I am confident when I'm not. I convince people that I'm OK when I'm not. It's gotten to the point where I lock myself in my room and cry. But no sound comes out. Sometimes the tears don't want to fall, so I just sit there and drown in my thoughts.

Teenagers are out having fun,enjoying life and I just sit in my room and watch them have fun. I give up on having high hopes because my hopes just get crushed. I've had a boyfriend but I broke up with him because he ended up taking interest in my close friend instead.

I look back at myself in the mirror and realize that I've been crying. I'm just numb but not suicidal, yet. The only thing that keeps me going is my mom,dad, and siblings. Alex is included because she's more of a sister to me.

I slide down the wall and continue crying. I'm not good enough for anyone. My close friend of 9 years abandoned me for smarter students. The ones that get awards. My own mom makes me feel like I did something wrong if I don't pay attention. I feel like I'm worthless and nobody wants me.

I put up a front that I love myself. That I'm happy, that I'm confident, that I don't give two shits what people think of me when that's an obvious lie. I am a broken soul. I wish I was really confident but confident me died the second I got in high school.

I finish taking my shower and I see that my eyes are puffy and my cheeks are also puffy. I open my bag and find an ice pack and put it on my face. I rub it on my face and when I'm done I splash my face with hot water and I look better.

I  go into the room and put lotion on my body. Afterwards I put my pajamas on and take one final deep breath. I open the door and put my mask on.

"HEY EVERYONE THREE HOURS ARE UP WHO'S READY FOR A PAJAMA PARTY." I say while acting as happy and energetic as possible, locking my demons as far as I can.

Till we meet again darkness.

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Author's note

Well that is it. When you see a happy cheery person, don't assume that they don't have problems and life is perfect. Life is never perfect and there are people suffering mentality.

As you can see, Stacie is suffering mentality but does not want to worry others so she puts a mask and suffers in silence. What I basically want to tell everyone is that there is different kinds of suffering. Some turn suicidal while others try to put up a fight with their demons.

If you are reading this, I'm not going to say speak to someone or go to therapy. But what I will say is that you should try to fight with your demons if that does not work, have one person to be there with you, just one person to fight this battle with you. Don't turn to death as a solution. Keep one thing in mind, there is someone who cares deeply for you and if you kill yourself, the pain transfers to that person and it may effect them twice as much as it does affect you.

Well I have to go now. Bye.

*Author spawns from the future*

Hey everyone 👋. When I wrote this chapter originally back in 2022 I was in a really dark place in my life and I just wanted to tell you all that it does get better someday. When I read this chapter I felt like giving past me a huge hug and just wanted to tell her that it will get better.

I have learned how to let go of some of the toxic thoughts and emotions and I began healing as a person. I guess what I wanted to say that there is hope, just don't give up.