Playing Her Lover

Part 15 - Understanding

"I think you may, kinda, sorta, fully.... might not like men."

Sameera stared at Mirzab for what seemed like an eternity. Her eyes bulged with surprise at this notion that seemed so ridiculously impossible.
"Mirzab! Arrey, have you gone mad or something?!"
"Nah, just... the things you described point out to that only..."
"Bro, just because you are one of them, doesn't mean you get to push that on me, okay?" Sameera huffed indignantly.

"First off all, when did I ever say that I was 'one of them'?" Mirzab asked, drawing air quotes around the phrase 'one of them'. "Also, learn to say the word - gay," Mirzab said sternly.
"Eh," she brushed it off. "But what do you mean by that?"
Mirzab grinned at her, "Darling, I'm straight."
Sameera's brows looked like they might fly up above her hairline now. "Bro - You're straight?! How does that work out with all of this?!" she asked, gesturing at Mirzab's entirety.
"It's called the difference between gender presentation and sexuality, Sameera," Mirzab laughed, thoroughly enjoying this reaction. Sameera looked at him, unamused. 
"Don't use all those fancy terms with me - tell me what you mean," Sameera huffed.
"It means that the way I dress has nothing to do with who I'm attracted to - make sense?"

"Okay..." Sameera still seemed mildly confused.
"But, back to you - you emitting some major queer vibes right now, you know?" Mirzab looked at her, one eyebrow raised.
"I swear to god, that can't be it! Have you seen those kinds of women?! I am nothing like them!" She emphasized. Mirzab turned his chair to completely face her and held both her shoulders with his hands.
"Gay. Say it," he said firmly.
"Wha- why? What are you doing?" Sameera glanced away.
"Say it," he said, his voice a little more insistent. Sameera did not reply, her eyes flitting to every corner of the classroom.
"Sameera, I promise I can sit here like this the whole day - do you want to risk that? Say it - gay." He said, a smile forming on his lips again.

"Okay! Okay!" Sameera exclaimed. "G-gay," she whispered, almost too embarrassed to say it out too loud. 
"I couldn't hear you," Mirzab said in his most matter-of-fact voice.
Sameera rolled her eyes and repeated it, louder this time.
"GAY! Is that better?" she asked.
"Yes," Mirzab replied, satisfied for now. "But yeah, I never said you were a lesbian, just that you might not like men. You could be a lesbian, of course!"

Sameera blinked at him, her mind completely blank. Her upbringing had made sure that she never had access to queerness, and had made her never want to go near it. To be told that she could be the very type of person whose legalisation her parents had openly booed in their house... Well, it was shocking, to say the least. Sameera looked away from Mirzab, unwilling to confront it. Mirzab held a comforting hand out to her. 
"Hey... It'll be okay..." He tried reassuring her.

"No, it won't! I... I can't be gay! Bro... I'm already such a freaking disappointment to everyone - and now you come and tell me that... Ugh!" She got up from her seat and moved away to another seat. She again covered her face with her hands, taking deep breaths to control her tears. Mirzab sighed. This situation was harder than he had thought. With years of exposure, and parents who were completely cool with the LGBTQ+ community, he sometimes forgot that not all people were raised like him.
"Okay... How about this? Go home, and then search up compulsory heterosexuality. I know it'll be a hard curve, but it's better than pretending to be someone you're not. That gets exhausting pretty fast."

Sameera looked up once again, tears framing her face. She sniffled as she asked, "How do you know all of this?"
"I've questioned both my gender and sexuality before - plus I've had many queer friends throughout my life. They taught me a lot..." A bittersweet smile spread over his face, nostalgic for the friends he had had in school. They spent a few moments in complete silence, neither wanting to break the calm aura. When they checked their watches, it was already time to go home. They looked at each other, but Sameera could not bring herself to smile. Still, she asked, 
"What was that thing you asked me to look up?"
"Compulsory heterosexuality - comphet, for short," he said. He was relieved.

Back in the seminar room, Indu was angry. This was maddening now. Sameera had ignored her, shooed her out during breakfast, barely even registered her existence. Now she hadn't shown up for practice. She did not put any effort into her practising, even though the date of the competition was fast arriving, and the dress rehearsal would be that very Friday.

Both Siddhu and Swara barely knew what to do with her. So they resigned to leaving her alone and helping her practice her lines whenever she got the mood to. When she left for the buses, she still could not see either Mirzab or Sameera anywhere. It was only once she got onto the bus that she saw Sameera. Sameera was about to call out to her, but stopped when she saw the apparent anger and disappointment on Indu's face. Indu sat at the front of the bus, not ready to listen to anything that Sameera would say.

Sameera felt the tears rise again at Indu's behaviour. She was trying her best to keep herself grounded, but the emotions she felt due to Indu was not under control in any way. She pursed her lips and looked out. The hurt gave way to resentment - had Indu not been this hot and cold towards herself as well? Why should she care?
But of course, she would care. It didn't matter how Indu used to be. She had grown and started to open up, be friendly, letting herself make connections. Sameera calmed down, somewhat proud of Indu. However, thoughts of her conversation with Mirzab came back to her again, and the warm feeling in her heart instantly cooled down. 

How was she supposed to confront this? How was it that what she felt towards men was not real attraction? What was real attraction then? How did that feel? Was it happier, more natural? Questions sped through her mind until she got tired of thinking. She let herself fall asleep and had to be woken up by another student when the bus reached her stop. She instinctively looked at the seat where Indu had sat down, and then remembered that Indu would already have gotten down. She rushed down, apologizing to the bus driver on the way. Her walk home cleared her mind a little, but each step felt heavier, and she had an urge to simply run away and maybe go to Indu's house. But before she knew it, she was knocking on the large brown door and waiting for it to be opened.

She was let in by the maid, and she saw her mother sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper, as she normally did during this time of the day. She seemed to be in a good mood today. She looked up and smiled at Sameera, "How was school, beta?" Sameera felt a pang of intense guilt overcome her consciousness and mumbled a reply before going upstairs as quickly as possible. She could only hold herself together until she plummetted into the bathroom and sank to the floor, all the hurt hitting her again and again. How could she? How could she ever dream about bringing all that pain to her parents? She wouldn't be gay - no.

She went outside the bathroom and sat on the bed. Grabbing her phone, she started mindlessly scrolling - at least she could put off thinking about it for a while. It had always worked, but not today. Unwillingly, she searched up the phrase that Mirzab had told her - compulsory heterosexuality.

She tried. Tried her best to say no to each of the symptoms that were being talked about. But with each passing minute, instances from her life began to crop up. The way that she had obsessed over Raghav but only when he didn't like her. The crush she'd developed on her senior only after her female friend told her he was hot. All the times she'd wanted to be a girl's friend so bad - and all the dramatic friendship breakups throughout middle school. And another looming instance that she was not ready to face yet. The tears fell fast and hard. She kept a hand over her mouth the whole time, afraid that her sobbing would be heard. This was excruciating. 

But a part of her, the part she had pushed down for so long was finally getting a key to free itself, and sigh a sigh of relief. Sameera looked into the mirror and genuinely considered the probability once. The probability that the tear-streaked, dishevelled woman looking at her with red eyes could be... a lesbian. She let her head fall to the pillow and ignored her grumbling stomach. When the tears reduced, she fell into a deep slumber, unaware of all her surroundings.