Playing Her Lover

Part 19 - Not a Man

Siddhu felt heavy. They had been smiling the whole day, but now their face felt too heavy to sit in its usual smile. The same smile that felt so normal to have, regardless of how they felt inside. They walked to their bus, knowing that they had made everyone around them worried sick. They had hurt all of their friends. They walked up their bus, feeling the teary eyes of Swara on their back. The load on their heart felt heavier than ever. 

'Thank god the bus is emptier than usual,' they sighed. Slumping themselves on to the seat, thy tried in vain to find words, coherent thoughts in their mind. Anything to distract them. 'I hope none of them calls'. They made a mental note to keep their phone near them. God forbid they find either a boy or a girl calling. Siddhu left out a chuckle, one filled with regret and sadness. 'I wish they had never found out,' they wished, as they felt the tears forming again.

At home, the dark grey clouds had  filled the sky and had begun their downpour, and the lights had to be turned on early. Siddhu had the history books in front of them, their favourite subject. Siddhu looked out the window. They hated the rain. This day was doing nothing to make itself better. They glanced outside the door, left wide open. Out from the hall, they could hear the familiar tone of the phone ringing. 

Then it stopped. "Hello? Who is this?" they heard their mother say.
"Mhmm, mhmm. Alright, I'll give it to him, give me a second," she said as she walked into the room and handed the phone over, whispering, "Not more than 15 minutes."
Siddhu nodded.
"Hey!!"
"Hey Siddhu, just wanted to check up on you... I told your mom its about the skit, is that okay?" Mirzab said
"No no, I'll be fine, don't worry too much!" Siddhu said in their best chipper voice.
"Hey Siddhu, I'm here too by the way. And... umm... You can tell us what's up. I know you're not alright, and talking could help." Swara chipped in.

Siddhu let out a deep sigh, thoughts running miles per second. They hoped these people were different. They felt different, and it felt safe enough to take that leap of faith 
"Tomorrow. I'll tell you guys tomorrow," they said, breath shaky and uncertain, hoping with all their might that it would all be okay. They hung up, quickly wiped away the moistness in their eyes and got up. They kept the phone in the living room, and without making any eye contact with their mother, went back speedily into their room. 

The next day came speedily. A night of sleep had given Siddhu enough energy to smile again, and they got through till short break. The now established circle of Swara, Mirzab, Indu, Sameera and themselves was oddly quiet. All were looking at them with concern, as if they might burst into tears again. Swara and Mirzab seemed to have told Indu and Sameera the short conversation they had had the previous evening, and they had also seen messages from both that morning, with profuse apologies. In that moment, the silence was broken by Sameera. "Siddhu, me and Indu are really sorry... We didn't mean to startle you like that," she looked over at Indu, asking for back up.
"Yeah Siddhu. We'll resolve it privately, okay? Won't do that ever again, we promise," Indu said, and nodded at Sameera. Sameera rolled her eyes, but a part of her hoped that Indu was being sincere. 

"It's okay guys, don't worry about me," Siddhu responded, smiling as widely as they could. Swara looked at them pointedly. "So... What had happened? Do you want to tell us?"
Siddhu felt a lump in their throat. So this was it. The first people. "Umm... I've had a bunch of issues over the years with people. I mean, look at me - I'm prime target for bullies, really. And well, people shouting tends to trigger me. Its embarrassing, honestly," they started, eyes firmly on the on their food. They could feel everybody's eyes on them. 

Swara got up, sat down beside them, and put a hand over their shoulder. "Not embarrassing, don't worry. I've done way worse," she consoled him. 
"Only cuz you think it was embarrassing, but that's besides the point now," Mirzab responded, and looked at Siddhu, prompting them to continue.
"Mirzab's right Swara, but yeah. I mean, shouting has been common for me for a long time. When I get bullied, it was kinda considered my fault, I suppose? If I were man enough, this wouldn't happen at all. Or at least that's what everybody around me kept telling me. And well..." This was it.