Playing Her Lover

Part 20 - Apology

Indu was lying on her bed, too tired to work. Her mind refused to shut down, and she did not want to sit with her mother, because she knew that her mom would somehow get the dilemma out of her. She wanted to talk to someone, anyone, but the only person she had become close enough to was Sameera. 

'No, you've got other people as well,' she thought, and got up, resolute. She took her phone and clicked on Swara's number, not giving herself the time to doubt her decision. The ring tone kept dialling, but with no luck. Swara seemed to be busy. She got a text message a second later, apologizing and telling that she was out with her family. Indu sighed, but sent a thumbs up as her reply. She tried texting Mirzab, but the guy seemed to have kept his phone far away from himself, since he was not reading the message she sent. She decided against texting Siddhu, not wanting to trouble him at this point.

So it was Sameera. She looked up at the ceiling, cursing her luck. "Why do you have to pull this on me right now, God?!" she let out, exasperated. She rolled back on to her bed, when she heard a knock on her door. Her mother let herself in, and looked around. 

"Aren't you studying, putta? Oh well, then again - tomorrow is the competition, right?" She walked over and sat on the bed. 
"Nervous?" she asked, patting Indu's head.
"Yeah, somewhat... I don't expect we'll win, though. Ma'am chose us only because she had no one else."
"Don't say that. That may very well be the case, but you've put in effort, Indu. You'll get what you deserve. But... is there anything else?"

Indu looked at her mother, eyes filled with guilt.
"Amma, do you think I'm a bad friend?" she asked, hesitantly
"Well... You're not my friend, you're my daughter. So I don't really know how you are as a friend"
"I think I'm being a bad friend," Indu pulled her blanket over her shoulders, going into a foetal position.
"Mhmm? Go on"
"I want to be her friend, but then when I actually do try and make her my friend, the actual prospect of it all seems so scary", she said, diverting her eyes away from her mother.

"And does that mean you're oscillating between being her friend, and completely ignoring her?" her mother asked her, one eyebrow raised.
Indu nodded, guilt smeared all across her face.
"Well, the first step is complete already then. You know you're doing something wrong"
Indu sniffled, "What if I can't change this? I don't want to hurt her Amma. Do I just distance myself from her fully? It'll be better for both of us, right? She won't have to deal with my issues, and I've anyways been alone for a while now," she looked at her mother in the eyes, finally, convinced that she had hit upon the right solution.

"Putta, putta, what are you saying?! Ayyo rama. Always so dramatic," she gave a little smile. "You can't let one person define your life like that Indu. And you're giving Keerti too much control over your current life - she doesn't deserve any part of that control, you know that. What happened, happened. And you've become this to protect yourself, that's all. But you can't protect yourself in the long term if you're alone. You need people around you. Talk to her, maybe. Give this new friend an assurance that you're like this because of some bad experiences, and that you want to improve. If it does not work out, then fine. But try to form a healthy friendship, at least. It'll be good for both of you."

"But can I do that? Improve, form a healthy friendship, all of that?" Indu sounded almost fearful, hesitant.
"Oh please, you're a teenager! A seventy year old tree continues growing, who's to say that you won't? You've barely started life, your brain is a good nine years away from reaching full development, and that's just physically! You'll be able to do it - only if you put in the effort of course," her mother pointed an index finger at her, with almost mock seriousness. Indu couldn't help but smile at her mother, making the latter smile along with her. 
"You should teach me how you do this sometime," she said, sitting up in her bed.
"Do what?" her mother asked
"Be such an awesome person," Indu smiled widely. Indu's mother patted her daughter's hand and walked away, breathing a sigh of relief.