A Snippet of my Thoughts and Feelings

I Miss You, A

Dear A,

Hey, it's me. You know, that girl you used to hang out with as a wee little lad, back at the apartments. It's been quite a while. I think about you sometimes, mostly at night when sleep doesn't immediately arrive at my doorstep, as it normally should. But also when a song reminds me of you and what we used to have.

I miss you, man; I honestly do. When I come home from school or decide to take a stroll around the apartments, I always pass your door. Or at least where you used to live. I halt in my steps and gaze at your door. And a beautiful waterfall of memories crashes down on me. It's all a rush of nostalgia when I recall everything that we did, everything we had.

Remember when I was dangerously standing on my tippy toes on my rollerblades and slipped and fell on your doorstep? We were casually chatting, as I was trying to convince you to spend a little more time with me. The scraps on my knees were horrendous, now that I recall that memory. Ironically, I was not in pain, even as blood was gushing from my knees. 

Or remember the imaginary places we strategically placed throughout the apartments? The hideouts belonging to the lions, fairies, and trolls? I will always reminisce that memory and everything else.

I did not realize it, but now that I look back on our friendship, I think loved you, as a brother. No, wait, let me modify my wording. I don't think I loved you. I know I loved you. It explains my unexpected tears of joy when you came back from India that first time. I missed you a lot. And I still do miss you. I still do love you, to this very day. Or maybe even the idea of you. Honestly, I am not too sure anymore. But it would mean a lot if you reached out. You are not obligated to, of course. Obviously, you are not that little boy I used to hang out with anymore. Change is inevitable. You most likely changed, and so have I. I hope the change will not obscure our friendship, if we meet again.

I hope that you have not forgotten all about us. Because I have not forgotten about you at all. Oh no, it's quite the opposite, actually. I try to savor each and every little memory I have of you. I savor that image of your adorable picture from your infancy on the wall. I savor your lego structures as well. I'm pretty sure the legos mainly consisted of Star Wars and Ninjago Warriors; I can't recall it too vividly. But I do remember how proud you were of them. Once you finished one, you would race over to my place and enthusiastically speak of your completion of your accomplishment. As I marveled at you, with stars in my eyes.

Oh! Remember when my dad tried to teach us how to solve the Rubik's Cube? Did you ever figure out the puzzle? I know you were very keen on puzzles as a kid. I can't recollect it quite as vividly anymore. It pains me that my memory fades more and more each passing day. I can't remember the little, precious details of the memories anymore. I know memory loss is inevitable throughout life, and that nothing can be done about it. And that's the core of my misery. Something is happening to me and I can't do anything about it. Like water slipping through my fingers. Even as my fingers clamp together as tight as humanely possible. The water always slips through, just like these memories. They will always slip through my fingers. Slip from my mind and never found ever again.

If you hypothetically did end up reaching out, I would cry. Out of happiness, unmistakably. Just like when you came back from India. One tear would be about the fact that you still exist. Another would be about how you still remember me. And another would be about how much you have grown, how much life changed you. And more and more would start pouring down my face, creating a miniature Niagara Falls, gushing with love, happiness, and more. And I would embrace you. I would latch onto you, like a harness. So that you cannot ever depart from my presence.

So that you cannot ever disappear. You cannot leave me, alone in this horrible world, full of darkness, hate, and disappointment. In this colorless life without you. Without your wonderful character as the rays of sunshine on my cloudy existence.

Alas, it will probably never happen. But a girl can dream.

I might as well conclude this letter now. I've shared all my underlying thoughts, for now. I hope you are not creeped out by my confession right there. I don't ever want your feelings to change about me. I just hope you  recognize me as that little girl, running towards you, engulfing you in a bone-crushing embrace, as she dampens your shirt with her fast-falling tears of bliss. Because you are finally back.  

That is all I want. And that is all I will ever wish for.

I only ask of one favor from you. Please do not ever forget me. I know what we had was more than a decade ago. But merely keep my memory alive, for when I am gone.

So I bid u adieu, old friend. Until we meet again. I miss you, and I will always have a special place in my heart for you.

B x