Love after Loss

Chapter 27 - Soup

"What excuses have you to offer, my heart, for so many shortcomings? Such constancy on the part of the Beloved, such unfaithfulness on your own!
So much generosity on his side, on yours such niggling contrariness! So many graces from him, so many faults committed by you!
Such envy, such evil imaginings and dark thoughts in your heart, such drawing, such tasting, such munificence by him!
Why all this tasting? That your bitter soul may become sweet. Why all this drawing? That you may join the company of the saints.
You are repentant of your sins, you have the name of God on your lips; in that moment he draws you on, so that he may deliver you alive.
You are fearful at last of your wrongdoings, you seek desperately a way to salvation; in that instant why do you not see by your side him who is putting such fear into your heart?"

~ Rumi

Hiba

I couldn't sleep.

I really couldn't, because no matter how hard I tried, i just couldn't. My mind was like a Formula 1 race, the opponents in this looped track, called my brain, being my thoughts. Some were of what would happen to Rohan and his mum (primarily his mum), some were trying to think of he has really changed or not. Some were were thinking of how much work I must be getting behind on, and some were trying to figure out what happened in my room last night.

Some were trying to make sense of my feelings.

Some were trying to make sense of him.

Arsalan.

I heard his voicemail. I remember it so clearly. Mainly because I had nothing better to do, so I was playing it on repeat for a good hour or so.

"Hey Hiba... erm, I just wanted to say to you, well I wanted to tell you what I was going to ask. I was going to ask if I could... maybe... you could consider the possibility that I won't be hurt by you? I don't know why you would ever think that you would. But I do know that I want you, Hiba."

My first thought was 'Uske paagal hogaya, he has gone crazy! He doesn't even know my story, how... how is it possible...?'

But when I heard the rest, all I could feel was a mixture of emotions and feelings, ranging from warmth to fear to confusion and everything in between.

"I... I don't know how much to say... Ok here's something I can tell you. I have dreams of you. Dreams of a family, you, me and the kids. And I can't help but shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I can make this dream truth. You said you have a dream too, so please, just consider it. My feelings are real, and I hope what I saw in those eyes of yours is real too."

Now you see, that left me questioning myself. And I was just so, so scared at what I did. Reject him even though I could feel something.

But he has dreams too. The same, in fact, as I do. And the eyes...

'He was looking into my eyes... probably when I was looking into his... his beautiful (mashallah), deep brown eyes...'

It was around 11am, when the doorbell rang and interrupted my thoughts. I put on my niqab, then an abaya on top of my pyjamas and hoodie. Making my way to the door, I heard a familiar bickering outside.

"Bha- OI give my phone back shrek!"

No... surely not?

"No why, what's on it? It's not even unlocked!"