Snowcrossed: Currently Under Construction

46. My Heart

I lugged my suitcase down the stairs, in desperate need of sleep. I told myself I could sleep on the plane, wanting to be out of town before Baker woke when I was stopped short.

"That's not cool, Hadley."

I spun, half startled, finding Nate, Luke, and Johnny standing in the living room. The latter looked rather guilty like he'd been wrangled into whatever was going to conspire. "Excuse me?" I asked, eyes swollen from all the crying I'd done.

"Leaving him like that," Nate clarified. "How do you think he's gonna feel when he wakes up? He was doing fine until–"

"Finish that sentence Nate," Janelle dared, pointing a sharp nail and looking ready to attack. She didn't care who lurked. She was angry. Almost as mad as me.

I stopped her. Not because I was protecting Nate or Luke, who leaned against the couch, looking like he agreed with our brother, but because a year's worth of hate boiled to the surface, and I couldn't stop myself. "You're really going to blame me?" I asked with no small amount of rage as words like abandonment trickled in. "I wasn't the one who shoved that bottle down his throat. But while we're on the topic of blaming–" I stated calmly, before the raging storm struck. "—where the fuck were you last night!"

"I stayed," Nate snapped back, sloughing Johnny off when he tried to calm him. "I stayed like I always stayed!"

"Yeah, you stayed," I belted back. "Seated right next to him at the fucking bar!"

"Hadley, honey, let's just go."

"No!" I said firmly when Janelle made to grab me—slashing an arm through the air. "I need to say this."

The twins stood rooted. I could sense Austin listening at the kitchen table, shifting in a creaking chair while my dad stepped into view. Ready to intervene if need be.

"Where were you?" I asked again, glaring at Nate. "Where were either of you when I needed you! When I convinced Constable Rory to let me take you home so none of you would fuck up your sponsorships! I dragged your asses through the yard and up to bed! It wasn't Johnny, or mom, or dad! And you sure as hell didn't get there yourself! It was me! I covered for you!"

Nate snapped. "You can't just come back in his life when it's convenient and bail when it's not!"

"You're really gonna fucking stand there and blame me, Nate!" I shouted, unable to close the dam that broke and flooded through me. "I was the only one who was there for Baker! The only one who picked him up each time he fell! I talked him through those dark mornings when he wanted to give up while you two were nursing hangovers."

"He won't talk to any of us," he exclaimed, gesturing to everyone listening in, "he needs you."

"And I needed you!"

A deafening quiet lingered between us—our angered words hanging in the air.

"I'm your blood," I tried to yell, but it was nothing more than a pathetic whimper—a break of the voice. "I'm your little sister, and I needed you. I needed you, Nate."

Tears sprung to my eyes and leaked like a sieve, and I hated myself for it.

My older brother stared, the surprise stunning and hurt staining his eyes.

"Set se ah!" My heart, I squeaked, pointing to my chest, looking between him and Luke. "I needed you. I needed you to protect me. To tell me it was going to be okay. I needed the two of you to be the bigger men. To talk to Baker instead of enabling him. To be the support he needs you to be. The support I needed you to be."

I was tired. Tired of holding onto all the frustration and resentment.

"Not one of you came," I finished sullenly after a brief pause, disdainfully lifting my chin because there was no way I was going to stand down. Not about this.

Nate shifted, looking like he wanted to approach and comfort me, but I lifted a hand, and he stopped instantly–throat bobbing.

Janelle grabbed my suitcase and hers. Before I left, I said, "You want to blame someone Nate, blame yourself. Blame Luke for encouraging him. The beer you keep stalked in the fridge, I don't fucking care, but don't you ever blame me. Not when all I've ever done is try to keep him safe."

I left my words scattered on the floor with my disappointed-looking father scathing a look at my brothers. I didn't care. I wanted to leave. 

Janelle tucked an arm over my shoulder. Hiding my whimpering sobs in her shoulder as we walked to the truck and left.

A/N: This was the hardest chapter I've written thus far. Hadley holds a very special place in my heart and to say I didn't cry a little would be a lie.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been commenting, starring, sharing, and adding Snowcrossed to their reading lists. It helps so much with the algorithm. I'm not very well known on Wattpad so every little bit helps 🤎

Thank you,
Dene