healing tears

5

The garden was more of a patio with a little pond, a pool and some grass near the pool. Lana and Alice had their toes dipped in the pool water. Whilst Wilhemina had her head stuck in a book sat on a wooden bench. Sally was conversing with Xandra by the pool just sat on the small rectangular piece of grass. Ally and Diane were just sat at the round table next to the pond with an umbrella above it. Blocking the sun. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. You moved across to the pond looking at the tiny fish moving back and forth in it. Staring down in it seeing your reflection. Nothing you hated more than the reminder of your existence which your reflection supplied. Anxiety was filling your body as you stayed zoned out. Your head feeling overwhelmed and your plans becoming clammy. You must've been standing there a while as Tammy startled you. "You're free to use the toilet now y/n" she said stood next to you looking into the pond too. "Thanks" you averted your gaze from the fish. She walked into the building again with you trailing behind. "We will all be in the middle therapy room" she smiled before leaving you to use the bathroom. A soft sigh left your lips as you shut the door. Too much socialising for one day and therapy was next to ruin your mood. Your fingers traced the tap heads as you turned them off, looking up at your pale and lifeless expression. Eyes flickering down to the necklace that dangled and shined in the bright lights. A necklace that your grandmother had given to you on your 15th birthday. After washing your hands they felt less clammy. You walked steadily towards the therapy room. Your anxiety bubbling in your stomach not knowing what lies ahead.

Leaving a knock on the door, Dr. Staple opened it quite suddenly. Revealing Tammy and Cordelia sat opposite each other in there too. "Hi" you stated whilst sitting down on the empty seat in between them both, feeling slightly sick from the uncertainty. "Right, let's get started" Dr. Staple announced whilst clapping her hands together and sitting down onto her office chair.

You felt anxious, completely and utterly frightened of what they were all gonna think of you.

Dr. Staple opened up her notebook and eased back slightly on her chair. "We first of all need to know about the attempt. I think that's a good starting point and then some main issues you have. To which then you'll ever be applied to Tammy or Cordelia's therapy. As they both specialise in different areas". Your finger fidgeted in your lap, playing with the ends of your sleeves. "I don't really know where to start?" you stuttered out, not really looking at any of the women. Cordelia interjected first "Was there anything that triggered you to this attempt?" she questioned looking back at you. Averting your gaze suddenly back to Dr. Staple's desk, you scanned your view over at the small bonsai tree that complimented the corner of her desk. "I- I was upset. I thought everything would be better off without me" you started feeling like a bandaid had just been ripped off you. People say that therapy sets you free and relieves you. But, all you could feel is the irregular rhythm of your heart in your chest. "Is there any reason why?" Cordelia probed again, trying to get something useful out of you. "Not a singular event. I think it was the universe's way of throwing everything at me at possible. I just don't feel people like me very much. I'm not a first choice, never have been and never will" you finished whilst still flicking your bracelet beads back and forth in your trembling hands. Cordelia gave you a soft look not that you could see as your eyes were fixated on the bonsai again. "Could you explain further?" Tammy attempted this time. You looked up from the bonsai, each one of them analysing you and your every move. "I don't know. Just, I feel like I put in more effort for people than they do for me. It just seemed to manifest since I was younger. I know I'm a burden. It's all factual. Water boils at a certain temperature and I am a pain in the ass" you abruptly stopped with a small chuckle to ease the atmosphere that felt like you were in a cooker from the heat and pressure. Not one of them laughed, more looking at you with pity. "Sorry" you mumbled. "That isn't true though, Y/n" Dr. Staple spoke softly. You glanced at her finally which she then continued. "Your brain is just filtering the positive from you and giving you negative thoughts since it's the only way you have learnt to cope over the years" she spoke again. You didn't say anything. Hoping that a bomb would go off, or a fire alarm would sound. Something to rip you out of this uncomfortable situation.

"With the files we have been given over from the hospital and previous schools there isn't much to work with. You are quite silent about your issues it seems. Apart from one incident at age 12, that you had been self-harming" Dr. Staple explained as if you didn't know for yourself. "Guess that's me for you" you smiled awkwardly. It was nearing the end of the session. Hoping that the realisation had washed over them that you weren't the easiest to pull the truth and extent of your issues from. "I'm sorry" you spoke whilst they were all reading through files and school reports of your behaviour. Not that there was much to see, apart from being talkative and an average student for grades. "What for?" Tammy and Cordelia spoke in sync, by accident. "I'm not used to this, like people caring about my feelings and stuff. Or opening up in general, I've never really done it. So, I just don't really know what to say, what's relevant or not and I must admit, it scares me" you spoke fast and not battling an eyelid at anyone. A few tears came to your eyes as you announced that. Blinking them away profusely you looked back up at them. "It's ok. You're gonna get through this, we might just have to push you a little along the way" Dr. Staple smiled softly. "Thank you" you mumbled. "I think that's that. Tammy and Cordelia will go over your files together and decide which one of them will be your appointed therapist" Dr. Staple stood up. The clock reading 4 p.m. How had you been sat in here for 2 hours... "Dinner will be at half 5. So, we'll all see you then" Dr. Staple would've continued, but the sounds of arguing patients echoed down the hall. "Sorry, let me sort this out" she jogged out the room and down the hallway. Clicking of her heels still could be heard as she slowly stopped to presumably interject into the disagreement. "I DIDN'T" you heard a yell, certain it came from Xandra. "I'm gonna check what's happening" Tammy spoke and left which left you and Cordelia sat there uncomfortably waiting to leave. But not wanting to get involved in the issue.

A minute or two passed. Abruptly the door opened, Tammy ushering Xandra into the room. "Sorry" you got up and moved out of the room quickly. "She is lying" Xandra said to Tammy as the door got closed by her and Cordelia took you back to the living room.

- finally some drama😮‍💨 i love a cliffhanger. also i know they couldn't all be in therapy room cos staff ratio but let's pretend you didn't realise that.