healing tears

9

Standing there for a few seconds, turned into a minute until you heard the door click. As her eyes adjusted to light coming from the hallway you were stood in, she looked at you sleepily with a silk night dress wrapped around her. "Y/n" Ellie whispered. Tears welled in your eyes. "I'm sorry. I I- don't know what to do" you softly started to sob. Tears dripping down your face. "Oh sweetheart" she softly spoke, bringing you gently into a 'mum' hug. Pulling back, she looked at you to explain yourself a little... "I'm sorry for coming here. But I wanted to hurt myself. I nearly did. I just want to feel something other than an empty pit, not to feel like a constant dull ache is placed on my chest" you whimpered as she took your hands into hers. "I'm proud that you came to me y/n" Ellie smiled at you. She looked tired, but glad and worried all at the same time.

All of a sudden Cordelia's bedroom door opened, revealing a groggy looking Cordelia. "Are you ok?" she whispered softly. You just stood there picking at your nails "Yeah I will be. I'm sorry for waking you up Cordelia" she smiled and mouthed it was ok. Ellie interjected, "where is the blade you were going to use?" "Here" you pulled it out your pocket and looked panicking at Cordelia. Searching for disappointment in her eyes. "Where did you find it?" Cordelia asked keeping her tone down. "Art room" you replied glancing back down at the floor again. "I'm glad you came to us, well... Ellie before you did anything y/n. That's a step forward" Cordelia stated whilst wrapping an arm around her robe. "I just don't know what I can do to make myself feel better and not fall into the urges. Nothing makes me feel euphoric." you mumbled, knocking your sock covered feet together. "I want to feel better" you carried on. "You are of course not going to feel the exact same way with other coping mechanisms but you can feel adrenaline. Like from taking a cold shower or exercising or sprinting or even just letting yourself feel might make you feel better in the long run" Ellie explained. "Like you can cry or punch a pillow if you're feeling angry, but being self destructive isn't going to help you. It's a vicious cycle with self destruction" Cordelia added on. "If you don't feel like doing much then you can just colour something in or write about it and be reflective" Cordelia continued. "Thanks" you sniffled, "I'm sorry for waking you both up. I just felt overwhelmingly restless. But thank you honestly". "Do you need a hug?" Cordelia questioned. "Yeah" you chuckled wiping some stray tears from your cheeks. Her arms protectively wrapped around your waist and back. Snuggling into the hug, you subtly took in her vanilla scent and smiled softly. Her hand rubbing a gentle circle on your back and she started to pull away. "Did you need anything else?" "Can I speak to you tomorrow, I know we don't have therapy but?" you mumbled, face still flushed from the tears. "Yeah, go try to get some sleep sweetie" she followed you to your room. Opening the door you slipped in and thanked Cordelia as she left and went to sleep.

"Y/n" Xandra whisper yelled as you woke up. "Hmm, what?" opening your eyes as you saw an agitated Xandra stood opposite your bed. "Lana said last night Cordelia took you back to your room. You didn't tell on me?" she questioned seriously. "No I didn't" you answered feeling a little more awake. "Then what were you doing in the middle of the night??" she snapped. Tammy suddenly appeared at the door, "Xandra, what y/n spoke to Cordelia about has nothing to do with you, now leave her alone." Xandra left in a huff, her eyes not leaving yours until she reached the door. "You ok?" Tammy questioned, knowing fully about your near-relapse last night. "Yeah, just still half asleep" you groaned. "Breakfast is soon y/n", "ok" you mumbled in response, pulling your pillow over your head and falling asleep.

"Y/n, wake up honey" Ellie spoke loudly, opening the curtains of your room. Light blinding you as you woke for the second time. "What??" you sleepily questioned. "It's breakfast now" she stated. "I can't be bothered" you whispered wrapped in your blanket. "I'm giving you 10 minutes, ok?" Ellie left as you nodded 'yes'. Tears gathered in your eyes as you felt exhausted, feeling worse than yesterday if it was possible. Your eyes zoned out through the window as you tried to muster up the courage to get out of bed. You grabbed the blanket and pulled it over your head as you decided you weren't moving. "Ellie sent me to you" Cordelia walked in, you could hear her steps getting closer to the bed. She pulled back the blanket from over your whole body, you were curled in a foetal position. "I'm not going" you whispered. "I never said you had to" Cordelia smiled as she sat on the end of the bed. "What's up?" she questioned, doing the weird motion she did with her head and eyes to try to spill the truth from you. Her eyes somehow becoming softer, her head slightly titled and focused on you. "I'm fine. I just want to be alone" you tried to lie. "People who are 'fine' don't want to hurt themselves, honey" she spoke gently. "Fine. I'll go to breakfast, so you don't all think I'm going to kill myself" you got up, grabbing a hoodie and throwing it over your pyjamas. Tying your hair into a messy bun and travelling down to the dining room. Sitting down in your seat as Cordelia followed behind, giving Ellie a look of concern then looking at you, as you poured some apple juice into a glass. Everyone was quiet when you entered, but the sound built up after you sat.

-i forgot this book existed whoopsie, anyways suggestions welcome cos i have no inspo