I Am The Sea || Choi San

roles

"We're about to enter Courlet Harbor, you should start getting ready. It's time."
Captain Hongjoong says to Theo, the two of them standing by the railing on the starboard side of the ship, staring out into the darkness. The night is dark and nearly starless, thick black clouds covering the sky. It's impossible to know where the sea ends and the sky starts, the horizon line seemingly farther out of reach than before.

Captain Hongjoong continues, "When we make port, Mingi will accompany you and the boys to the gardens. After he's seen you off, he'll report back to me if there's been any complications. You have until midnight to get back to she ship. Do you understand me, Theo?"
Theo looks at the captain. Her hands are so clammy they nearly slick off the wooden railing and she curls her hand so tightly around it, her knuckles are turning white.
She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
"Understood," she answers still, "Until midnight. What if we can't get the map before midnight?"

Captain Hongjoong straightens his back and joins his hands behind his back. He's wearing his worn red leather coat today, making him stand out even further between his men.
"You leave it," he says, "Your lives are more important than the map. We'll find another way one day to get it, but I need you safe on board of this ship by midnight or I'm sending Mingi and the sailors in to get you. We're not leaving without you, but if you're not back here when the clock strikes twelve, I have to assume you got arrested or-... worse."
Theo's heartbeat slows the tiniest bit. There is so much worry in Hongjoong's voice, more than she ever heard. The urge in his voice is rarely something he lets the others see, mostly because the crew would panic if they knew just how dangerous the captain thinks this plan really is. He's sending three of his best mates into the lion's den, after all.

Theo places a hand on his arm and smiles truly this time, touched by his words.
"Everything will be okay," she says, "We're all going to make it. By this time tomorrow, we're well on our way to the Pearl."
Hongjoong smiles and sends Theo off to get herself ready for the ball.
San, Seonghwa and Yunho will draft the ship the moment the plank touches the mainland, the three men are already sharpening their weapons.

Theo disappears into her cabin and pulls the cardboard box out from beneath her bed. She had kept the dress hidden from the rest of the crew, only Seonghwa knows what the dress looks like.
Theo wants to see their faces when they see her for the first time. They only know the two new versions of her, one of them already burned and buried. They've never seen her in the role she used to play all her life.
The lady.
Theo slips into the dress and it glides on like a second skin, like it was made for her.
Curious, how it fit so perfectly right from the start. Fräulein Cecilie didn't even have to shorten the hem or take in some fabric around her middle.

For a moment, Theo simply stands and slowly turns around herself in the warm light of her oil lamp, feeling the smooth fabric glide along her body. A bittersweet pain inside her chest makes her breath hitch, the taste of what is gone on the tip of her tongue.
Theo never used to fit the role of the noble lady. She practiced it, learned and loved it, survived with it, but it never belonged to her. It filled her life, but not her heart.
Still, a part of her aches for the familiarity of that life. Of the life she'll have to keep as memories longer than she lived it.
Theo finally sits down at her desk and starts pulling forth her utensils.

Two fine brushes that she borrowed from Jongho, that she had thoroughly cleaned from ink and paint he uses for his maps.
A small pot of dried raspberries from the kitchen, that she had swiped from under Seonghwa's nose.
A pot coal, finely crushed and steeped, mixed with water to form a smooth paste.
Bee's wax, softened and warmed over a small candle's flame, slowly turning into a liquid.

Then she pulls out the small mirror and leans it against the wall in front of her. For a moment, her eyes linger on one of the scrolls she has acquired in Capo Rodas, tied together with a red string. She hasn't had the chance to read the scrolls yet, and it itches in her very fingertips to open them.
Theo shakes her head. This is not the time.
She pulls close her pestle and mortar and fills the raspberries into the bowl. She crushes the dried berries into a powder, marveling at the pigmented dust for a moment, before she dribbles a few drops of bee's wax over it.
She takes a brush and carefully mixes it.