I Am The Sea || Choi San

masks

"Stand up straight," Mother says. "You look like a peasant when you slouch like that. People are watching, Theodora."

Theodora straightens her back, though the hard shell of her corset presses against her ribs with every breath she takes, smoothing over the top layer of her heavy silk skirts. She opens her fan and softly pushes a breeze of air into her face in effort to calm down her frantically beating heart.

Theodora turns to her mother.
Her hair is as dark as Theodora's, though she never has to endure the scorching hot straightening irons the way Theodora does almost every day. Mother is not very tall and slender just like Theodora, but that is about everything they share. Sometimes, Theodora pities herself for not looking more like her - her mother - for not having the same high cheekbones and sharp, piercing eyes.
But Theodora looks a lot like her father, and that is worth her weight in gold.

"They're awfully late tonight, don't you think?"
Theodora smiles tentatively, but Mother only raises a single eyebrow and purses her lips.
She says, "Don't talk like that about the Commander. I will not have you publicly criticize his family when you can't even use a fan correctly. We are lucky they accepted our invitation this shortly after the Commander has gotten back from his journey."
Mother grabs after Theodora's fan and closes it hurriedly, handing it to the next butler scurrying past them with a serving tray in his hands.

She's nervous. Theodora understands, she herself hasn't been feeling like herself all evening.
Though she can't really remember if she has ever felt completely like herself all her life.
Mother spent a fortune on this ball, ordering dozens of bottles of the finest wine and most beautiful flower bouquets, but with good reason.
Tonight is the night that Christopher Lawrence will propose to Theodora. This ball is the perfect opportunity for him to do so, according to Mother.

Not that Theodora is in a hurry to marry. Christopher and her have only met twice before, back in the city. It was Mother who invited his family to the Calvin estate by the coast, together with the entire upper class, judging by the people in Theodora's house.

Theodora loves the estate by the coast.
She loves the beach and the smell of fresh salt water. She loves how everything here reminds her of Father. Like he never died. Like he's just in the next room, ever so gently driving his paint brush over one of his canvases. She loves how at home it feels here, lighter and happier.

Someone takes Theodora's hand and she turns. It is Lady Heathridge, and she bows her head gracefully, closing her eyes for a moment.
"What a wonderful event, dear," she says and Theodora thanks her.
She is awfully aware of her mother's hard eyes on her every move, when she answers, "We are so honored to have you here, Lady Heathridge."
The words feel like tar on her tongue, tasting of dirt and grime and salt, but she keeps on smiling. Theodora doesn't recall just how many times she has repeated these exact words tonight.

From outside, a breeze rushes into the slowly filling ballroom through the open windows and glass doors leading into the garden, and she takes a deep breath, trying to savor the taste and smell of the ocean air.
Everything in her screams to run away, to undress out of this horrid dress, to leave all these people behind, but she can't. It is her duty to stay, it is her privilege to marry Christopher Lawrence.

The girl glances at her mother. She's watching the guests with a serene look on her face, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, but Theodora knows her better than anybody else here. Only Theo can see the harsh edges around her Mother's lips and the worried wrinkles around her eyes.
She'll only be satisfied if this night is ending with a ring on Theodora's finger.

As if her thoughts have summoned him, Theodora finally spies Christopher at the entrance of the ballroom, both his parents by his side. Christopher is dressed in a dark suit with golden clasps and decoration, a golden medal pinned to his chest.
Christopher is twenty-seven years old already, almost seven whole years older than Theodora, and the only reason he isn't already married is that he has spent the past five years at sea.
It's the only reason Theodora bothers trying to connect with him, it's the only exciting thing about him.
Christopher is the youngest commander in the Grande Royal Navy, he's seen more of the world than anyone else Theodora knows.