Overturned

Depression (Ectopic 4)

I felt extreme pain in my stomach again. "PULL OVER NOW!" My husband started to panic and did just that as soon as he could, turning on his emergency brake lights. I attempted getting out of the car but could already feel myself falling; I threw my hands out in front of me to try to break my fall a little but instead felt a sharp pain on my wrist. I felt dizzy and already unbalanced. The agony caused me to jerk my hand away, and as a result, my face hit the concrete. I picked myself up with what little strength I had left with the help of my husband, but I threw up again, and this time it was more painful and severe than the previous times. The entire time my husband stayed with me by my side as I practically puked my guts out. I laid there next to my own vomit and felt tears coming again what's the point in trying to stop them now? My husband scooped me up and held me close his breath pattern was different and it wasn't from being out of breath I could hear that he was anxious, and his heart was thumping so loudly that it seemed like it was crying out as my ear was pressed against his chest. 

I felt an emptiness within. I was mourning the loss of my unborn child. In the midst of all of it, I started to reflect on what my mother had said when I called her to let her know what was happening.

FLASHBACK:
"Mom?" 

"Honey Are you okay? What is happening? Why did you call me?" In a panicked tone, my mother questioned.

"Hi mom, I just... Um sorry I just need to tell you something." 

Go ahead, what's happening?

Can I actually just ask you a question, please?" I asked

"Yes."

"Ok. Since you mentioned having an ectopic pregnancy in the past but haven't really talked about it, I'm interested."

"Oh, you scared me for a moment there, Hun! I was told I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy before you were born. At the time, I experienced a range of feelings. Fear, guilt, sadness, grief, and shock. I had to get a laparoscopy because the doctors wanted to know where the embryo was because it wasn't in my uterus. I don't remember much after having anesthetic; the only thing I do remember is waking up and wondering where my baby was, only to learn that the baby had died. Particularly when the physicians explained that I might have lost my life, I felt overwhelmed and confused. But eventually, I started to feel better, especially after I started seeing a therapist. A few years after this experience, you were born!"

"Mom, thanks." My body started to feel warm, and my mouth began to grin."

"No problem, Hun! It was nice talking to you though call me again some time, okay?"

I'm going now, mom. When I felt the vomit rising, I hung up the phone while maintaining the same grin on my face.

FLASHBACK ENDS:

I wished I could have done what my mother had done, but I knew there was no more time, and I felt awful for feeling that way. 

The worst pain I've ever felt hit me in my lower abdomen, and I screamed the loudest I've ever screamed. I've heard during the course of my life that just before death, your entire existence flashes before your eyes. I've never experienced such excruciating pain; it felt like my stomach was being stabbed many times. My husband called 911 while in a panic. Just continue breathing, honey; I'm there with you. Trying to remain calm, he said. I noticed that my own breathing pattern had changed; there were pauses between breaths, some of which lasted longer than others. "Honey, I love you." As I felt my consciousness starting to gradually slip into the abyss, I muttered.

HUSBANDS POV:

I was horrified because in addition to having to watch my beautiful wife leave me, my unborn child was also leaving. I observed how her facial muscles relaxed, how she struggled to keep her eyes open, how shakily she breathed, and at points, I even heard her scream in agony. As an ambulance drew near to us, she started to lose color. "Please don't leave me; I need you so desperately and I love you with every fiber of my being. Please please don't leave me!" I stayed at her side the whole time, holding her hand. 

My wife was pronounced dead before we could even make it to the hospital.  The doctors had done everything they could to rescue her, but they were unable to stop the internal bleeding caused on by the rupture of her fallopian tubes. Surgery was the only option they had to save her. removing the damaged portion of her fallopian tube from the two healthy sides. She required immediate surgery, but they attempted to rescue her by repeatedly shocking her with a defibrillator in an effort to "restart" her heart. I remained there in the ambulance unable to comprehend or understand what I had just witnessed.

******************************************

Small droplets dropped softly before intensifying over time until it began pouring rain. I cried as I observed the city, the tears mixing with the rain. I watched the quick passing cars, all of which seemed to be speeding along and headed somewhere, unlike me. I had lost my purpose, so what was the point of even being here? If I made a small movement and pushed myself off, I could end the unbearable sorrow I felt from losing her. My legs dangled beneath me. I was on the verge of just letting go and falling until I imagined what she might say. She would undoubtedly be outraged with me.