The Opposite of Us

Too Many Feelings

Heath's POV

Dec 31

I thought this book was going to be something I could use for choreography planning, but I need to vent. So here, have all my feelings, journal. I don't care if that's not masculine or whatever. If I don't get this off my chest, I might actually throw something.

There are no words for this feeling. I had so much hope that Izzy and I might finally get our chance to be together. To have that hope ripped away and be replaced with despair and loneliness, it's numbing. I don't think I can process it. Cause if I do, I know I won't be able to handle seeing her every day and being her friend.

Jan 7

I can't. I can't. I just fucking can't.

I've been holding it together since she came home but after tonight I don't think I can anymore. The small touches. The biggest hug when she got home. The soft, bashful smiles. The constant suggestions to watch movies, which I know will just mean her snuggling into my side.

I can't. These things will break me! I am breaking!

I want to scream but I can't cause Izzy will hear me. This pain is tearing me apart. It feels so violent that I need a release. Silently screaming into my pillow until my voice is raw sounds like a good option right now.

Music is a good alternative though, I just hope it works to calm me down.

Feb 14

Benjamin Franklin once said that the only thing certain in life is death and taxes. And normally I wouldn't agree, but today? Today, I do.

I don't know if this hurts anymore because she just thinks of me as a friend or if it hurts cause I just want to be with her and I can't. Today fucking sucks.

All I want today is to be able to hold her. Kiss her. Tell her how much she means to me. I want to show her that she can trust me with her heart. That I can be her safe place.

Izzy deserves the best. Even though I may not be the best I can be, she challenges me to be, makes me want to be better. She brings out the best in me and I just want to do the same for her.

But right now, I'm still struggling to be near her. I'm hoping things will be able to go back to semi-normal soon enough as the pain is slowly getting duller. But right now, I still need space.

April 28

There's nothing I want more than to take away all her pain. To take away her guilt and shame. I want to hold her tight until all her doubts and fears melt away.

But I know I can't do all that, even though I want to try. But even if I do, am I going to drown in the process? I would do anything for her, but is that to my own detriment?

The one thing I could do that would make me feel better at least, is to go punch Brandon in the face. But I'm not going to ruin his night. Because he doesn't deserve my time or attention and he definitely doesn't deserve Izzy's. 

There are so many things I could've said to her tonight, but it wasn't the time and place. Maybe when she's had some time to process today I might talk to her. But for now, I just have to keep moving forward.

May 15

I swear there's this underlying tension between us. This unspoken thing. It keeps my heart hoping. But I don't know if I want to hope anymore.

The pain is slowly fading, and every day has been getting easier to be her friend and be around her. But when I'm alone, all I can see is her and I keep wondering 'what if?'