The Opposite of Us

Shifty Eyes and Indecisions

Izzy's POV

"Goodbye, Izzy."

Those words hit me in the gut as Heath walks past me and out of the room. I collapse onto the floor, my body finally giving up. I don't know why but I still struggle to find my voice. His words ring through my brain.

"There is so much I've always wanted to say to you."

"Knowing how I feel about you and how much it hurts to be so close to you."

"I can't stay here right now."

Those last words hit the hardest.

I shake my mind out of the paralysed state it's been in since he dropped this piece of knowledge. I can still barely move, staring down at the rug on the floor.

Did he just say he has feelings for me? Did I hear that right? No. I can't have. He has feelings for me? I- I wasn't wrong? I can't-. What?

The look on his face and the strain in his voice will haunt me until I can see him again. When I can make sure he's ok. But I know if I storm over there right now, it'll only hurt him further.

The apartment is so still, a heavy silence making me feel the full weight of his departure. It's so eerily quiet you can hear the cars on the street. The room is getting darker as the sun fades below the horizon. 

My limbs still feel so heavy, but I force them to get up off the floor before flopping down onto his bed. I let out a deep, frustrated groan. I feel something dig into my side as I try to get comfortable.

Pulling the item from under my body, I realise it's the notebook I got Heath for Christmas. Tentatively opening it, I notice there are a couple of journal entries inside. I flip through, needing to know if what he said was really true. I don't doubt him for a minute, but I need to see it for myself, to have proof that this isn't just a dream.

My heart aches as his words echo inside my mind. It pains me to read how much he's been hurting. I knew he'd been a little off for a while, and I'm kicking myself for not realising there was more beneath the surface. 

Curling myself up in his blankets, I try to push away any thoughts of blame. However, the smell of him, a little bergamot and maybe something woodsy overwhelms my senses when I bury my face into his pillow. I've always enjoyed the cologne he uses, but right now it's just torture to breathe in. It only causes my heart to ache further. I miss him already.

There are a few beautiful moments that he's written about in the book from the past couple months. Moments that I cherish but only bring him pain. Going suit shopping with him was so fun and I will always be thankful for how supportive he was the day I found out Brandon had gotten married. 

I can only imagine the pain I've been causing him. But it's too late to go back and change things now. The least I can do is give him space while I work out what's going on inside my head. Because I really need to figure out this mess inside my heart and untangle the strings of my heart to find out where they lead before I go and do anything crazy. I don't want to hurt him any more than I clearly already have.

I put his journal away, not willing to read the last entry. Seeing how closed off his eyes were, eyes that used to hold a lot of warmth in them, I can't bear to read anymore. Those eyes are all I can think of now. Eyes that have slowly had sadness creep in, stealing the warmth that used to be there for me.

I force myself up and go have a shower. If I wallow in this feeling any further, I might drown in it, resurfacing with nothing but pessimism and a heavy heart.