January. // z.m. au

Chapter 55

Maps | Yeah Yeah Yeahs

It was no secret that Zayn was stubborn. He was so stubborn and I just couldn't understand why. I mean, everyone had their moments, but he had a lot. I wasn't sure if it was because he hated being wrong or if he hated speaking his mind that much, but I just wanted to understand him fully.

And yeah, I knew Zayn like I knew the back of my hand, but I felt like there was a whole lot more that was missing from him. There was so much more that I needed to understand.

I was a bit frustrated that we hadn't spoken since our fight which was nearly four days ago. Four. Yes, I could've been the bigger person, still can, and called him first, but I didn't. I was so used to being the first to push and I was tired of it. I wanted Zayn to show me that he cared; I wanted him to be the first to apologize. Was that too much to ask for? Was I being that kind of girlfriend?

I was always the one to initiate our serious conversations even when I didn't want to at all. And I wasn't insinuating that Zayn didn't care about me because I knew he did, I knew that for a fact. Even a blind man could see that. But right now it seemed like he didn't give a shit about anything at all, and it just wasn't fair to me.

Because when I thought back on it, I hadn't done anything wrong. At least I didn't think so. I asked a simple question to which he never answered. I tried to talk to him, but all he did was push me away. He never opened up to me like I wished he would, and that was something we really needed to work on. Better yet, we had to. There was no way we could move on from this, no way we could grow if we didn't see eye to eye.

Like Zayn mentioned to me before, we were in this together. Zayn and I were a team, but I couldn't help but feel like this was all one sided. All I was these past couple of days was just a big mess. It didn't feel right how things left off between Zayn and I. I wondered how he was coping with everything. Was he mopey like I was? Did he cry himself to sleep like I had? Was he just as miserable as I was?

I didn't want to believe that Zayn wasn't feeling the same way I was right now, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't picture Zayn being sad like me simply because he wasn't showing anything. He wasn't letting me in and it hurt worse than any pain I've ever felt in my life.

I never used to believe when people said that love was hard, that it hurt. I would always disregard when people claimed that love was a lot of time and effort, but now I saw every bit of it. Because it wasn't easy and sometimes it did hurt. One day it could all be perfect like it had been with Zayn and I, and the next it could all fall apart right before your eyes. But I was willing to catch every little piece that fell. I just didn't want to do this on my own; I wouldn't.

Zayn and I were in this together. But why did it feel like I was the only one?

I sighed softly to myself, thankful that I had a day off today. Actually, I was supposed to go in but I called in sick because I didn't think I could do it. So here I was, tucked underneath my covers while I was curled into Grace's side in my bed. I gave up on crying days ago, and I wasn't going to allow myself to do that anymore even though I felt like it was the only thing I could do right now. My chest felt heavy as Grace combed her fingers through my hair, soothing a fraction of my pain. Only a bit, though.

It had been quiet for a good ten minutes or so. The tv hummed lowly in the background but neither of us paid much attention to it. We sat here in silence as we waited for Alexa to come back since she volunteered to go on a food run for us. I didn't want to talk anyway. I would talk to Zayn, but I was positive he didn't want to hear my voice at all right now.

I hadn't even done anything wrong.

"I think you should call him." Grace announced for the third time today. As much as I tried to deny her suggestions, she wasn't giving up.