January. // z.m. au

Chapter 44

Scene One - James Dean & Audrey Hepburn | Sleeping With Sirens

I didn't like the silence that filled the air between us. It felt weird for us knowing that this had never happened before. There was this unspoken tension that roamed around us like thick, heavy smoke and I couldn't stand one bit of it.

I took full responsibility, though, because if it had not been for me, this uneasiness wouldn't exist right now. But I guess this is a learning experience for the both of us, that way we knew to steer clear from this if it were to ever happen again. Which, I hoped not because it made my stomach queasy with unwanted, unnecessary nerves.

Zayn had parked his car in front of my flat, but I hadn't made a move to get out yet. I didn't want to either. I didn't want whatever this was to be left like this only to let it build and build up until it was too much to control. I didn't think it'd get that far, but there was no telling.

I'd come to the realization that Zayn was a bit stubborn in the sense of deep conversation and feelings. I totally understood why he'd been on edge about filling me in on the information I'd been missing out on, and I could tell that it hit a nerve, obviously. I started to put the puzzle pieces together and assumed that when it came to situations such as this, Zayn was one to lock down instead of open up and that was something that was definitely understandable.

It wasn't easy just speaking about things without a filter, even I was uncomfortable with these kind of things. I didn't want to bring any of this up, but I had and I'd found the courage to do so. Right about now, I was lacking the confidence to fix whatever needed to be fixed.

But nothing was broken, things were just temporarily out of place. I didn't think it would take long for things to go back to normal.

I took in a deep breath, fiddling with my fingers before I decided that it was my time to speak up. I hated this stuff and I hated silence and I hated how quiet Zayn was being so far. It made everything feel awkward and odd.

"Sorry," I found myself saying. "I didn't mean for what I said to go this way at all."

When I spoke, I kept my sight focused on my hands that were folded on top of my lap. I bit my lip because I was nervous and waited for whatever Zayn was going to say next.

"S'cool," he said like always, his voice smooth and calm like water riding up on a shore. "It's just --" Zayn took in a deep breath and a long exhale-- "like, my last relationship didn't go well, y'know? Like, I really liked her, she was cool and I thought she liked me the same way too. We did everything together, she even spent time with my family and all that. I really thought we had something.

"Then she started acting different. She wanted more time apart or whatever so we stopped hanging around each other so much. I didn't want to be too, like, clingy, so I thought I'd give her some space. I mean, like, we still did things together, we still hung out, but it wasn't the same."

Zayn had kept his focus on the sight before him, looking out of his car's front window the whole time. I could tell he felt a little uncomfortable telling me this and I wanted to tell him that he really didn't have to if he truly didn't want to, but I let him go on because it obviously took a lot for him to give in to speaking to me about it. And I wanted nothing more than to silence him with a hug and let him know that I was here and I wasn't going anywhere, but I decided to let him finish what he'd already began.

"Long story short," he huffed, "I found out that she'd been talking to somebody else while she was with me and I was completely devastated. She told me that she liked him more but couldn't leave me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Which was complete bullshit seeing as she'd already done just that. I mean, she didn't cheat on me or anything, but she might as well have. Kinda felt like she was."

I didn't know what to say. It sucked that someone Zayn thought he cared about did him so wrong and it sucked that Doniya was afraid it would happen again and I honestly felt bad. And of course this happened nearly two years ago and Zayn was obviously on a better place with me and all, but that didn't mean it couldn't still hurt. Especially since he'd brought it up again.

"I would never do that to you, you know that." I quietly spoke. I couldn't imagine hurting Zayn like that no matter the circumstances. And what could I possibly accomplish by doing so anyway?

"Yeah, I know," he gave me a small chuckle as he turned to look at me again. "Doniya was just being Doniya when she told you that. She's not like that at all, she's actually really nice, believe it or not."

"So she doesn't hate me?"

"Nah," Zayn laughed. "I talked to her afterwards; she said you were somebody she'd probably be friends with. She just wanted to scare you, is all."

"That's a relief," I laughed, pretending to wipe sweat off my forehead. Then I smiled at Zayn and reached over to link his fingers with mine. "Sorry again," I mumbled with a slight blush tinting my cheeks.

"No worries," Zayn squeezed my fingers. "I was just being difficult."

"Just a tad," I joked but kept a smile on my face nonetheless. "Hey," I muttered before leaning over the middle console to peck my lips against Zayn's cheek, "I love you, okay?"

Zayn nodded, grinning as he brought a hand up to tuck my hair behind my ear. "Yeah, me too." He chuckled, smirk apparent on his face.

"Jerk," I shook my head. "Now, will you please come inside with me? I can't sit in your car all day."

"And if I don't?" Zayn challenged, raising his thick eyebrows.

"Well then I guess that thing we did last week won't be happening for you again." I shrugged before turning away to get out of the car.

"Just kidding, wait!" Zayn called after me once I got the door open and started walking away.

It was that easy.

***

I'm baaaack.

In honor of 'January' being one (it's my little baby -- seriously I feel like I've been writing this for ten years), here's a double update for all of you beautiful, beautiful human beings. Enjoy times a million.