January. // z.m. au

Chapter 33

No. 1 Party Anthem | Arctic Monkeys

I could feel it again. That feeling in the middle of your chest when it feels like your heart is beating entirely too fast and your stomach is twirling like a kaleidoscope of colors. The rush of blood, the sweaty palms, the shaky breaths. I could feel it all just like I was feeling it for the first time all over again.

And there's also that feeling, you know, the one when they say that you can see your life flash before your eyes -- every single detail, every single memory -- right before you take your very last breath. It felt a little like that, except I wasn't breathing my last breath, I wasn't dying. I was just realizing. Memorizing. Letting it all sink in.

And you know those moments when you question everything in your life? Whether you're wrong or right for thinking a certain thing, making certain decisions. Am I sure I want this? Am I sure that this is the right time? Do I want this?

Yes.

No?

Maybe?

But then, when I looked next to me and I saw those hazel eyes that I loved, that sent waves up and down my spine, I felt whole. When he squeezed my fingers for reassurance, when he sent a tight lipped smile my way. I felt it -- I felt complete.

So, was I wrong? Were we ready? How could you be entirely sure?

It was kind of like falling in love, I think. You could either fall too hard and too fast and have it all come crashing down before you even finished building it up. Or you could fall right, with a parachute attached to your back. Like floating. Falling without the rush.

And yes, there's definitely a rush, but the good kind. Where you feel invincible and on top of the world. Like climbing the highest mountain and looking down at the world beneath you. And once you do that, you can conquer it all.

But that's what love is, right? Love is learning, making mistakes, fixing those mistakes, taking chances. Love, to me at least, is willing to compromise. Change but don't lose yourself within. Be who you want to be but also being the best you can be for the one that you're with. Trying -- striving -- to make it work.

And on that journey we called love, there were stops you made along the way.

Steps you took to open that next chapter. Seeking that next level.

I could be ready. We could make it.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked me. His eyes were filled with genuine curiosity and it warmed my heart. It really did.

"Nothing, really," I lied.

It could be nothing to others, but it definitely wasn't for me. It was just that I wasn't sure. And honestly, I hadn't really thought about it before up until now. Not in this very moment, no, but recently. It wasn't a constant thought either, more like a pop up ad on your computer screen that you don't really pay attention to and click away until it pops back up again some other time.

"You sure?" Zayn raised his eyebrows. He slipped his fingers between mine and gave them a little squeeze of reassurance.

My heart felt like chocolate melting in the palm of someone's hands.

"Yeah," I said. "I--"

"You...?"

I bit my lip. I didn't know what to say.

"I don't know, I -- it's hard to explain."

"What is it, some mathematical equation? Chemistry experiment?"