The Fall I Fell In Love

The End of the Summer

With Cam, I felt safe. He couldn't break my heart because I hadn't given it to him. Maybe, with time, I would've fallen for him, but with each date I felt more and more sure that I was trying to force something with him for the sake of not feeling lonely. But thinking about love like I could probably make this work if I really tried wasn't the Taylor Swift music fueled hopes I had for my life.

With Jeremiah, I discovered all the reasons why Cam and I were incompatible. Well, not incompatible, just not ideal. With Jeremiah, I wasn't worried about impressing him and making him want me, because he already knew me. Jeremiah knew the way I hiccuped every time I drank soda, and he knew that I cried whenever I watched the Super Bowl commercial with the horse and the puppy. Jeremiah knew things about me that I might've been nervous to tell Cam. Jeremiah could've broken my heart, but I knew he never would've. While Jeremiah knew me, I knew him too, and the certainty that he'd be there for me whenever, wherever, was enough for me to want him.

Well, I wanted to want him. I at least wanted to want him more than I had wanted Cam. But it still didn't feel like enough. I was still worrying about not feeling fireworks when we kissed. A part of me felt that teen movies and tv shows had ruined me, making me feel like you'd know who you're supposed to be with based on the quality of the first kisses. But, a larger part of me knew that my mom was probably right. I'd know when I found the person for me because I wouldn't be worrying if my feelings should be stronger. That wouldn't be a thought in my mind.

So, yeah, Jeremiah felt better to be with than Cam. It felt more right, more comfortable.

But neither of them made me feel the way Conrad was able to make me feel, with his hands gently cupping my face. His palms were slightly rough from all the knots he tied while sailing, and yet they still feel soft against my skin.

His lips were warm and smooth against mine, and for the first time I wasn't thinking about whether or not I should be feeling more sparks, I was thinking about how I'd never felt sparks that intense. I'd been waiting so long for that moment, and standing there now, with my feet in the sand and his lips on mine, moving slowly against mine, I felt like I could burst into flames from all the heat inside me. Was that dramatic? Maybe. But I didn't care. I was on the beach kissing Conrad Fisher and it was everything I had wanted and more and—

Oh God.

Jeremiah.

I stepped back from Conrad. Well, actually, I kinda stumbled back, forgetting that I was on sand and not solid ground (not to mention, I was a little shaky from the fact that I was just kissing Conrad Fisher).

"Jeremiah," I said, slightly breathless.

Great, I thought, I finally get to kiss Conrad Fisher, only to pull back and have the first thing I say be his brother's name.

"Jeremiah," he repeated back to me, sounding just as out of breath as I was. His cheeks were flushed, and I wanted to step towards him again close the distance between us, but I knew I needed to focus. I had screwed up.

"I shouldn't have done this. I should've stopped this. You're emotional, we're both emotional, and I should really talk to Jeremiah. I can't do this to him." Even as I said the words, I knew I couldn't exactly go talk to Jeremiah about this right now. He just found out his mother has terminal cancer and will be doing a form of treatment in the fall that doctors aren't overly optimistic about. I can't exactly walk back up to the house and go, Hey Jer, sorry for the bad timing, but this isn't going to work out between us. I love your brother. I actually just kissed him on the beach.

"Hey, Belly, this isn't your fault. I shouldn't have kissed you, I just, you don't know how long I've wanted to tell you how I feel," Conrad said, reaching up to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear, letting his fingertips graze my cheek. My heart thumped erratically in response.

I should never have kissed Jeremiah. Not when I knew that, if Conrad said he had feelings for me, I would go to him. I knew I couldn't be loyal to Jeremiah if Conrad said he wanted me. Conrad was my weakness, and I was a fool for thinking I'd be able to say no to him when I'd wanted him for so long.

Was Jeremiah just a placeholder? My stomach churned. No. I care for both of them. Just maybe I had mistaken my love for Jeremiah as romantic when it was more platonic.

"I wish you had told me sooner," I said, worry causing my chest to tighten. "I should go back up to the house."

"Same," Conrad replied, nodding in understanding. He had waited too long to tell me how he felt and now I was with his brother. God, when the summer started, I was hoping to get Conrad. I had Conrad now, and I wasn't able to feel happy about it because I. Screwed. Up. Majorly. Royally. Without a doubt.

Even though Conrad and I had both agreed that we should be returning to the house, our feet remained firmly planed where they were, our eyes locked on each other. I kept glancing down at his lips, which were slightly parted.

Before I knew what I was doing, I threw myself back toward him, lacing my hands in his hair as his arms went around my waist, pulling me in closer. I could feel his heart pounding through our clothes and a part of me wanted to be even closer. My lips were on his, and this time we kissed with even more need. I moved one hand to the back of his neck and gripped it tightly as I stood up higher on my toes to get a better angle. Whatever worries I had about Jeremiah seemed to vanish as Conrad's tongue traced my lips.

This was what I had wanted to happen this summer. This was what I had wished for every year on my birthday.

"Belly?" I heard my name called from somewhere nearby, and I jumped back from Conrad, running my hands through my hair to smooth it down. It didn't matter what I did, though, because he had seen us and was looking between me and Conrad with disgust.