His name was Bernard. He and Ashley had a sweet, juvenile relationship. It was mostly having fun together and hanging out, but Bernard was very jealous. Ashley didn't give him reason, but she was beautiful, smart, athletic, and exuberant. She had blossomed into a lovely girl who was full of life and optimism. And she had the exotic flair of merpeople that was not blatantly distinguishable, but made her stand out in a magnetic way. This drew her more than her fair share of attention from the human boys, and eventually it destroyed their young love. Ashley had to end the relationship she loved to gain some peace of mind from the constant accusations. Bernard was deeply wounded, and Ashley realized she was heartbroken as well. This had a profound impact on Ashley. She could not believe the level of anger Bernard now had toward her. She wanted things to be good again, and tried to get him back, but he was so angry and it was too far gone. She would regret this bitter end to her first love for years to come.
This is when Ashley became aware of sadness, loneliness, and shame. Before that, even though she spent most of her time alone and disconnected, she had her love of reading and school, and saw a bright future for herself, once she could finally become a grown woman and leave her mother's side. She pictured having an active life, creating a home for herself, having animal companions, and becoming a human doctor. She hadn't even worried about love before. But now, she was suddenly brutally aware of the judging eyes of others, and their potential rejection of her if she was deemed unworthy. This troubled her deeply, and drew heavy curtains over the state of near-constant childlike innocent and exuberance she had lived in until now. Things used to bounce off of her, and she could hold onto her vision of the future and not get upset or discouraged. But suddenly, everthing had changed.
As Ashley walked home one day during this tumultuous time for her, she suddenly noticed a human man talking to her mother, and even tucking a particularly unruly stand of her mother's shimmering, multifaceted curly hair behind her ear. This startled Ashley, and she watched in horror as this human man and her mother engaged in playful and flirty conversation.
Ashley felt guilty that her mother's potential new happiness was upsetting her. She parked herself behind a large beach rock and waited until the man left to arrive home. Her mother was singing to herself, and Ashley ducked into their beach cave with the briefest of introductions and went straight to her bed in the back. She usually slept right next to her mother, but now somehow that felt wrong, as Ashley imagined things that could have happened here with her mother's new "friend".
Ashley was having a lot of trouble concentrating on anything, as bad thoughts kept distracting her mind. This was a new experience for her, as she usually only experienced fleeting negative experiences and then found something fun to do like play dolls or lose herself in a novel, make art, or daydream about the future. Not wanting to engage with her mother, but finding no real relief from her emotional discomfort and bleak mood, Ashley eventually just stopped trying to distract herself and instead just worried herself to sleep.
Morning came far too quickly and Ashley dutifully trudged to school. It was hard to concentrate on school from then on. She found her mood becoming more anxious and depressed over time. Instead of everyone seeming like an instant friend, she saw judgment in every facial expression and exchange. She soon found herself questioning the virtues she had always held dear, such as not eating animals and trying so hard to be successful. She wondered if these had any point anymore, or weren't worth her effort since she was going to fail or be rejected anyway.
The more Ashley found herself pulling away from other people, worrying, and ruminating over all of the bad things that seemed to always happen to her now, the worse they seemed to become. Once exuberant, outgoing and optimistic, Ashley actually felt that her spirit had been put out like a candle, and now she looked to other people to lead the way and have the good ideas. She gave up on her dream to be a doctor, assuming that she would never be any good at it anyway. She started eating meat, and started looking for other people's approval, as she had noticed that it made her feel better and gave her the first glimmer of being worthy in a long time. She found comfort in animal products, and started eating richer and more foods, as they seemed to balance her mood as well. Besides focusing on delicious food, she worked constantly and tirelessly to figure out the secret to getting people's compliments and praise. Then, like a wonderful cool breeze, a sweet and shy boy started to like her after a couple years, and it finally gave her the courage to move past her lost love for Bernard and dare to hope for a brighter future again.
