He was dead. Her perfect little boy was dead. He was dead forever and there was nothing else they could do. She wasn't dead. but she wasn't perfect anymore either. She was a very hurt baby. Her brain had been hurt so badly that she didn't even remember how to swallow or suck on her fingers. She was so very hurt. And when they finally let Ashley see her, she looked so very sad.
The baby was mostly unconscious for the first week she was under the doctor's care. Christian was summoned, and no one behaved as Ashley had feared. No one blamed her, and when they sent word to their nearest and dearest friends and family, the support poured in and many visitors arrived. Ashley was stunned. She had no idea that these people would care in her time of need. She felt such an odd mix of love, despair, comfort, and devastation.
She could do nothing to the nurse her baby back to health, but simply existed in this foreign place for 3 weeks, trying to stay sane. They arranged something for her son so that everyone could say goodbye. Ashley smiled and tried to be okay, just wishing that she could be anywhere but here. People piled on the kind words and sympathies, but they felt like hot pokers when she desperado needed to be alone and not have to face all of this.
And after the visitors left and the doctors had done all they could, Ashley and Christian brought their sweet little hurt baby back home.
Ever since that awful moment that had changed everything, the worst parts kept randomly jumping under Ashley's skin without any warning, burning and engulfing her in pain and terror.
The moment when Ashley's shock and disorientation of what had just happened disappeared and the full realization of what had just happened on that mountain road hit her like the falling boulder had hit the carriage, and her heart had ceased in her chest as terrible possibilities crashed through her brain.
What she had seen when she looked into the crumbled carriage and seen her babies with their eyes closed and their heads slumped, with debris in their eyes.
Those infinite moments before help arrived when she was utterly powerless and her babies were dying in front of her.
When the carriage had driven away with her babies and she had to watch them go and could not go with them, wondering if they were scared and dying and she wouldn't be there for them when there was no moment they could ever need her more.
When the doctor had told her that Zell was gone forever. She truly had not thought that they would be dead in those moments between the crash and when she heard the news. She had trusted that the Gods would grant her fervent prayers.
The way her stepmother had suddenly wailed and called her a liar, making her say it over and over when she had to tell the woman that her Zell had just died. Having to continually tell people that had been agony. Wasn't there a better way without making the mother be the bearer of such news to her closest loved ones?
The same moment when she had had to tell Christian that his son was cold and dead and never coming back again, and she had to hold and comfort him as he wept, and be the strong one only hours after he had been so violently ripped from her.
That this had been piled on top of all of her previous suffering. How was one person supposed to endure all of this in one lifetime? She was 27 years old and she had lost so much more than she had ever even had.
The only Godsend in all of this had actually been Christian. He had really stepped up and been there for Ashley as she had grieved for her children. She took such comfort in his kindness, patience and love in such an intensely sad time for her. It was a terrible time for both of them, yet he stayed strong for her and never chastised her or told her that she should be over it. This unexpected kindness from him had meant the world to her.
Months went by and they became pregnant with another baby. The couple had gone from having two perfect children to one very hurt child, and they both agreed that another healthy baby would bring some desperately needed happiness to their wounded clan. Little Zayda could not have come soon enough. She was a complete delight, and within a year she was already helping her mother care for her very disabled big sister.
Their baby was a needy child, but that also gave the couple something to do and something to focus on besides the loss, so they really didn't mind. The family moved forward, finding hope, and brightening toward a better future. Until suddenly, out of nowhere, everything completely changed and came crashing down again. Ashley was unarmed and unprepared for the next mortal wound she was about to be dealt, straight through the heart.
