Ace of Clubs

The Reality of Us

How do you tell someone you love them knowing that your relationship will be doomed from the very beginning?

How do you tell them that they make your heart race, your mind spin, and your skin feel electrified knowing that they might feel the same and you'd find yourselves at crossroads?

How do you tell your wife that you can't sign the divorce papers because you love her but you have to because there's no way you can survive the consequences of not doing it?

Risa didn't know the answer to these questions so she did what she thought was best. Shut everything out and save herself from drowning. It was too late though because Leni was permanently imprinted on her very being.

She ran, only to find herself crawling back to Leni. Which was why she was here, holding her close, refusing to shut her out any longer because this may be the last time she does so.

It was foolish how she was hiding from herself and from Leni. Despite Leni not saying it, she could hear her saying, "Duwag ka, Risa." And she knew perfectly well that she is.

If cowardice meant protecting herself, her dreams, and her children from the doom that would fall on them if they continue this, then by all means, she is a coward.

She was certain that Leni would choose to be a coward too.

"I'm sorry, Lens, I really am," Risa spoke softly, meeting Leni's eyes. They were seated on the couch after having confessed to each other. The two women knew they had so much to talk about and a mere confession was not enough to resolve all their issues, personal or otherwise.

"Pwede mo bang sabihin sa akin kung bakit mo ako iniwasan? Kung bakit ka nakipag-date sa ibang tao? Tama naman 'yung mga sinabi mo na hindi genuine 'yung kasal natin pero bakit ka nakipag-date sa iba kung mahal mo pala ako?"

"It was wrong of me to go on a date with someone. Naisip kong subukan kasi baka ayun 'yung way para mawala 'yung nararamdaman ko. I was so confused and I know I shouldn't have avoided you too but I can't drag you along with my personal baggage. Hindi ako sigurado kung ikaw ba 'yung mahal ko o 'yung idea lang na nagfafall back ako sa routine with someone and I don't want to tell you until I was sure pero every time that I want to finally say it, inooverthink ko kung tama ba 'yung ginagawa ko. Pati ako naguguluhan sa sarili ko.  I'm so sorry. You don't deserve all of that. Alam ko nasaktan kita perhaps a part of you will always hate me for that but I'm truly, sincerely, sorry, Lens."

"Sana kinausap mo ako nang maayos, Ris. Alam mong nandito lang ako lagi para sa'yo, hindi mo kailangang sarilihin lahat 'yan. I understand what you're saying but still, sana hindi mo ako shinut off para natulungan kita."

"When I finally realized that I love you, it came with the rest of the things I was overthinking about. It came with a slap from the reality of the lives we live. I was falling in love with you and our marriage was coming to an end. Soon enough we would go back to the lives we used to live, far from each other but meeting every now and then, and I didn't know if I could handle that. Kailangan kong i-detach 'yung sarili ko sa'yo kasi ayokong masaktan, ayokong mapag-iwanan sa dulo ng lahat ng 'to.

I needed a reason to stay away from you kasi simula no'ng nasanay ako sa'yo, sa'tin, kahit subukan ko, wala, hindi ko kayang umalis. Ang hirap hirap kasi alam kong masayang-masaya ako sa'yo pero hindi pwede. I needed you to have a reason to hate me, to get mad at me, kasi maybe then things would be easier. Baka mas madaling pakawalan ka, baka mas madaling matanggal paunti-unti 'yung kasanayan na nandyan ka.

When you texted me that night and informed me that the divorce papers had arrived, I wanted to tell you that I loved you. Before I read your text, I was supposed to ask if we could meet so I could tell you that I missed you. I hated being hot and cold with you but it was the only way I could think of. I knew that you loved me. Hindi naman ako manhid para hindi maramdaman 'yun, but we can't..."