Stronger (18+)

22. Despair

© VeGirl 2014

Arnaud was gone and I was lost in the world.

He had provided for me in so many ways, but internally I was broken. The little lost girl inside of me was crying and I didn't know how to comfort her.

I had to inform the cooperation that their CEO had moved on and that the new one needed some time before I could take the wheel. People were very supportive and did their best to comfort me. Little did they know that only made it harder.

The board assigned a temporary CEO until I was ready to get back.

I moved out of the penthouse where I had experienced so much over the years. It held too many painful memories. The apartment in London was sold and traded for a brand new slick penthouse.

Everything was white and crisp; sterile.

Arnaud had taught me so much, he had educated me how to know a good business deal from a bad one and how to invest money wisely. He had basically trained me into running a huge corporation and then simply handed it over.

I was not ready to lead his huge cooperation; hell I wasn't even ready to live.

In my new huge penthouse I sat alone, thinking about my life choices. How much I ever turned things over, I didn't regret anything. I didn't regret meeting Arnaud, definitely no regrets over the way he made me his or the way I had simply handed over my life to him. By doing that, he had given me a life. And what a life It had been.

The hospital offered counselling, but how can you tell somebody about the kind of life Arnaud and I had shared? They would probably have had me incarcerated in no time with a hug-yourself kind of jacket.

Or worse; they would have judged me. No. Counselling was not for me.

Instead, I dug into my deep pockets of money. Retail therapy didn't ask any questions about my past, it didn't question my relationship with the man that in the end still became my husband.

It cost, but I had money. I had more money than I would ever be able to spend.

Clothes and shoes were things that Arnaud had bought for me; well him and Maria, and I had so much that I wouldn't need to buy another piece of clothing for years.

But when has that ever stopped a woman?

Yeah, I shopped... and shopped... soon I had to rebuild my walk-in closet to make room for everything.

I started to collect wine and whiskey. Stupid obsession; if I had ever consumed any alcohol in the past, it had been vodka. The many expensive bottles of whiskey remained sealed.

Art was something I could dive into and learn everything about to make some really good bargains. Obsessively I learned about art. It took up a good chunk of the day, but when night-time came, my life was still utterly poor and I was alone.

The one thing that used to sooth me earlier made me terrified now; the sound of silence.

Nothing I did eased my pain and in my despair I turned to pills.

The doctors I had met during Arnaud's hospitalization, was surprisingly willing to prescribe anti depressive and sleeping pills. I still didn't get a wink of sleep so I took some more.

Soon I needed pick me up's in the morning and knock out pills in the evening if I was to function. And then I only mean in the most mechanic way.

It became a chase just to get from one day to another.