Excerpts of My Thoughts

Pretend

"Wait," he begged. "Please."

She stopped but didn't turn around. Her head hung, hands in tight fists next to her. Her back faced his hunched body; his hesitant arm reached out halfway. Her shoulders collapsed inwards, making her frame look even smaller. He was aching to grab her by the wrist and turn her around to look at him. But at the same time, she looked so fragile to him that he was scared she would break at the slightest touch. In cases like this, would an embrace put her back together or shatter her?

He let his arm fall back to his side, already defeated. He shuffled his foot awkwardly, unsure of how the following events would unfold. He was brought back into reality when she suddenly spoke, barely above a hoarse whisper.

"Sorry."

Something about that caught him off-guard. "About wh-"

"You don't...deserve it."

He allowed her a moment, knowing she had more to confess, whether she decides to tell him or not. The cheerful chatter of students on the floor below them reverberated up to where they were and gradually diminished.

"I lied," she said. "What we had wasn't real."

Every word she said weighed on him. Truth be told, he knew. It wasn't unexpected, but just because something is expected doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow.

How are you so sure? He wanted to ask. It was real to me, so what made the difference on your part?

"Was it because of him?" He choked out, reaching toward her to make her look at him.

The pained expression on her face as she turned told him everything. She averted her gaze, eyes flickering everywhere but to his face in an attempt to keep her tears from spilling.

He had desperately hoped to change her mind. He despised the way that man treated her, so why does she still cling to him so tightly?

He pulled her into an embrace, her head against his chest. Her shoulders shook slightly as her tears fell, sobs muffled by his shirt. He could feel every beat of his heart, each one heavier than the last, threatening to burst. The lump in his throat was suffocating. He knew she loved him, just not the way he wanted. That place was occupied by another already.

I guess I'll grow to be content with just being your shoulder to cry on.

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I wish you would've chosen me, even if it were just pretend.

- March 19, 22