𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐛𝐨𝐲 | robin buckley

(2) senior year sucks

SENIOR YEAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST YEAR of high school. The time for being young, doing things you're not supposed to do. Get high, get drunk, get arrested, get fucked as many times as you like. It's all down to fate and how many parties you can get completely smashed at. Funnily enough, you will not find the meaning of life at the bottom of a red solo cup.

For Sam Quinn, senior year just sucks absolute ass. To be fair, it couldn't have been worse than junior year unless she could accidentally out herself as a lesbian to her parents and get kicked out to the streets all over again. In fairness she has an apartment and a cat called Moss so things could be a lot worse.

Most days when she wasn't chewing gum at the back of a classroom, sketching tattoo ideas in her notebook she was elbow deep in grease making pizzas with a hairnet on her cropped hair. She hated it, having her fringe pushed back was bad enough and revealed all the acne scars that hid there. Often she wished she could just draw over them like she did with the imperfections on the rest of her body but she'd made herself a promise a long time ago to never ink her face.

Way too many people she knew came into that pizza place, usually drunk. They'd order the most disgusting toppings and they wouldn't give Sam a second glance. They didn't know her. Since halfway through junior year, she'd become a ghost. Her friends didn't bother looking for her any more, Sam had been cruel to them for no reason.

Without her hair on show and her tattoos covered up by her horrible work uniform, she supposed she wasn't that distinguishable. Maybe if any of the customers stared at her eyes they might recognise her. After all, her eyes were something unique. Sam had two different coloured eyes. One sea green, one ocean blue. Her parents had used to say she was the parting of the tide, whatever that meant. Sam had once loved her eyes but now she was rather uncaring. One was green, the other wasn't. Big deal.

Sam supposed there were a few things like that in her life, little quirks. Being queer topped that list, Sam thought she was amusing by saying this. But sure having heterochromia was fun and she was ambidextrous which helped her out when tattooing both arms. She could also lick her elbow and touch her tongue to her nose. One time when bored Sam also realised she could belch the entire alphabet but she didn't know if this was a talent or not.

However she supposed her eyes might be the most special thing about her. After all she'd never met anyone else who had two different coloured eyes except a cat she'd stumbled on once when walking home. Sam had met a boy who was ambidextrous and a girl who could lick her elbow. Sure she'd never found anyone who could belch the alphabet but who went around saying shit like that?

Sam had also never met anyone who was gay but she knew they existed. She thought about it a lot, wondering whether she'd be condemned to being alone her entire life. She thought about Angel in these times and wondered how queer she really was. They'd been in an all girls summer camp so maybe she was just desperate for some release. Sam couldn't be sure.

Regardless, in senior year she was more alone than she had ever been in her entire life. It's all very easy to go into an experience alone and say that you're going to be fine. At the beginning, Sam relished in being alone. She had her own space, her own time, her own life. She could sit where she wanted and not have to force conversation that sounded like it was coming straight from her ass.

But being alone wasn't actually that fun. Sure at points it was freeing to know you weren't pressured by the wants or needs of others and there was absolutely no one to please except maybe her landlord and her boss. But Sam did get lonely. Moss was often good company but even the mewing tabby cat could get grumpy by isolation and leave to sit in a corner or hide on top of the kitchen cupboards.

Sam thought about talking to her friends sometimes. She pictured herself walking over the school hall with a tray in hand and pulling out a screeching chair. She thought about sitting into it and smiling at Fiona and Heather as though nothing had happened. She thought about an apology and wondered what she would say.