𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐅 𝐀 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓, jeremiah fisher

one. back in cousins

BELLY IS BLUSHING when she gets back to the car from the gas station with Mom hot on her heels. She opens her door first and gets into the passenger seat, while Mom opens the backseat door to get in next to me. I open my mouth to say something about the pink tint on her cheeks, but she throws me a glare through the rearview mirror. I look away from her and share a smirk with Steven who just shrugs and starts the car. 

As we continue to head down the familiar road leading to Cousins, I wonder if anything has changed with Susannah or with the summer house. I wonder if the waves have already begun to rise to the dream height of a surfer the way they do during the summer. I wonder if the breeze has started to caress the cheeks of nearby pedestrians, playing with the hems of their shirts to show its eagerness for them to get into the freezing water.

The water is always cold. It doesn't matter what time of the day you go to the beach. It's a constant. Something you can always count on, and I guess I always have.

We have been going to Susannah's summer house since forever. There hasn't been one summer where we haven't been in that house, kids running around with water dripping onto the furniture and mothers sipping wine out on the porch. I wait all year, from the second we leave Cousins when summer ends to the second my feet touch the sand again, to come back to Cousins.

I feel like I have spent my entire life waiting. Waiting to feel the summer breeze on my skin again. Waiting to see Susannah and the boys.

Waiting for the moment I can finally let go of the breath I have been holding for the past two years.

We get to the house before I have time to prepare myself to see him again. I lower my head and keep my eyes down so I can't look out of the front window. Mom and Steven get out of the car, and I can hear excited voices exclaiming with the thrill of an amazing summer around the corner. Though the voices are muffled by the car doors and windows, I can make out his voice like it's the only thing I've been listening to for years.

It's almost like a soft whisper that carries me to sleep every night and can only be heard in my deepest dreams. When I'm awake and actually listening, I can't hear it but when I'm asleep, I can memorize every note it reaches, and then everything feels right again. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I think he's there with me. I get up and look around my room, but I can't find him. That's when I remember that he's not there and that I'm pathetic.

I've never told anyone before, but there's this voicemail he sent me once that I still listen to. I think he sent it right after we left Cousins the summer before everything went down between us. I had forgotten a few of my paintbrushes, so he had called to tell me. I know all the words he said in that voicemail by heart.

When Belly gets out of the car, I know I can't stay in there any longer. I take a deep breath and push open the door. Right away, I can smell the salty, summer air and I immediately feel like I'm home.

A small smile tugs at the corner of my lips as I shut the door and see Steven and Jeremiah talking and laughing. His golden curls are bright under the summer sun, and his eyes look pale blue like when you're trying to paint the sky but add too much white into the blue paint. His skin is tan already, and it looks softer than I have ever seen it. He's like the familiar portrait that is always hanging in the living room right above the mantel of the fireplace. It's the first thing you notice when walk into the room, and no matter how many times you see it, it will always make you feel like you're home. My heart swells because even after all this time and all that has happened, he still makes me feel the same way.

I can pinpoint the exact moment the air changes and my stomach clenches. It's when Jeremiah's eyes land on Belly. His eyes widen and then a grin breaks out on his perfect face. She runs into his arms, and he picks her up and spins her around.