𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞

8

dylan hayes

It's hot today, the suns out and it's bright, it really feels like summer. And I should be happy but I'm not. I wish I was.

I don't really know how to explain how I feel. It's not nothing but it's close enough. I just don't feel good, I feel bad. I feel so so bad. I don't know why I feel like this and I wish I did so I could make it go away. But I don't so I just feel stuck.

I don't want to go to a therapist or a counsellor or a psychiatrist or whatever you want to call them. I don't want to talk to people about it. I don't have anyone to talk to in my life, even though I wouldn't anyway.

Well, I have Elliot but I don't want to worry him or scare him. I'm only just starting to get to know him and I don't want to push my problems onto him.

I  just don't want to be here anymore, there's nothing poetic about it.

I often imagine what it would be like if I died. What my funeral would be like; I don't think anyone would come, my parents definitely wouldn't and I don't even know the rest of my family. I wonder if anyone would miss me, like really miss me and I draw a blank every time.

But then it might be a good thing to have no one miss you when you're gone. I wouldn't upset anyone or make anyone feel guilty for my death. I could just leave, I wouldn't be taking up space on this earth, I wouldn't exist.

It used to scare me when I thought of killing myself but over time that fear has dissolved into nothing because honestly, living is more painful than death. Every day is exhausting me more and more and I don't know how much more of it I can take until I just give up.

A big part of me knows that if I disappeared today nobody would notice, not for a while at least.

The only thing keeping me going right now is Poppy because I can't bear the thought of leaving her. She would be so confused and wouldn't know where I went and just thinking of it breaks my heart.

I just wish I could look in the mirror and see a girl worth saving. I wish I could see something, anything other than myself.

☼

I lie face down on my surf board that's rocking gently on the surface of the water and run my hand through it, making a small whirlpool. The sun is hot on my back and I just know I'm going to burn.

Sighing, I paddle myself back to shore using my hands and drag my surfboard up to where I parked my car. I drive through streets and streets and streets aimlessly, with my heart pounding and my hands shaking.

My anxiety as been really bad today. I've been on edge and shaky for the past few hours and I'm sure that if I don't calm myself down soon I'm going to have an attack; knowing I have to drive home safely I try my best to shove the feeling away.

After getting home as quickly as I can I grab Poppy and take her upstairs to my bedroom.

Panic grips my throat tighter and tighter until it feels like I'm being choked. Tears prick my eyes and I clutch Poppy close to my body as I curl up on my bed, she welcomes the embrace and shoves her face into my neck. As my breathing picks up so does my heart rate and I shut my eyes to rid myself of the dizziness that washes over me.

The stress of knowing I have to calm down before I pass out makes me feel even more panicked and anxious and I can feel my body shaking badly.

I don't know what to do.

Why did this happen?

How do I make it go away?

My body grows hotter and hotter and I feel myself spiralling deeper into the attack until I feel Poppy licking my neck slowly, as if she's trying to calm me down. Focusing on it instead of my panic, she slowly coaxes me out of my stressed out state and into a more calm one.