You Don't Have To Be Sorry For Leaving and Growing Up

But I Know That You Feel Like a Piece of You's Dead Inside

Tw: suicide references

"Move. Move!" Richie ushers towards Ben and Beverly, who are sat on the bottom steps of Derry Town House. The two move aside as the comedian stomps up the stairs, hands in his jacket pockets, looking as if he'd seen a ghost.

"What's wrong?" Beverly asks, Ben stood next to her, the two watching as he turns around to face them, stopping on a step.

"I'm leaving." He announces.

"What? You can't leave, man. We split. We all die." Ben states and Richie just turns on his heels and says," yeah I'll take my chances we're gonna die anyway" and he continues to stomp his way up the stairs, ignoring Ben calling out his name.

He instantly grabs his duffel bag as he unlocks the door to his room. He hadn't really unpacked now that he thought about it, and he hadn't taken much with him to start. So, he goes into the bathroom and picks up the items he has in there. He grabs his toothbrush, razor, shaving cream and face towel before he goes back into the main room and throws them into his duffel bag. Next he begins to pack his medication for his ADHD and anxiety, which lie ontop of the bed side table.

"Rich." Ben says, knocking on the door." Open up man, I just want to talk."

Richie doesn't want to talk, he just wants to pack up and go home, back to his little apartment in Chicago, where he felt safe. He didn't feel safe here, he'd never had, even as a child. The place clung to you like a bad smell and Richie, although not remembering where he'd grown up, could never shake the feeling of Derry away, not truly.

"Thanks." Ben says as Richie opens the door, figuring the man would only continue to knock and ask to be let in. The comedian nods and turns back to his duffel bag, where he continues to pack the few items he has left to go into the bag. Ben sits on the edge of the bed and asks," what did you see?"

"None of your business." Richie responds. He didn't want anyone knowing what he'd seen. He didn't want anyone knowing the truth about him, about who he loved. That was for no one else but him.

"Okay, it was that bad, huh?" Ben asks and Richie just nods in response before he zips up his duffel bag." Please don't leave, Rich."

"I'd much rather be in my apartment right now, curled up in a ball on my couch, eating greasy pizza whilst watching Ru Paul's Drag Race." Richie states and Ben just stares at him for a second before saying," we're all scared, dude, we're all petrified. I understand how you're feeling to an extent. I don't know what life has been like for you, Rich, but whatever you saw today, you can overcome it-

"I can't!" Richie interrupts with a finality in his voice that makes Ben jump slightly, not having heard the tone used by the comedian before. He would never overcome this. The fear of the world knowing the real Richie Tozier had its claws dug deep into the comedian. He couldn't disappoint his parents. He loved them too much to do that.

Ben sighs as he watches Richie sit down on the bed, rubbing his eyes with his hands, pushing his glasses up onto his face as his head remains in his hands. He was stressed, the architect could tell, but he also knew how brave Richie was. Hell, Richie was the kid who hit Pennywise with a bat so confidently. Richie was the kid who had so much shit thrown at him in high school and middle school but he acted as if he didn't care and that it didn't bother him. No matter how many times Richie was beaten up, he'd be seen with a smile on his face, seemingly unbothered, and Ben found that incredibly brave.

"A lot has happened in a short space of time. It's only natural to be scared out of your mind, Rich." Ben states, shuffling slightly closer but not too close as he didn't know if Richie had grown up to hate being comforted." I can't imagine how you feel after finding out about Stan, he was your closest friend-