cleithrophobia (n.)
cleith·ro·pho·bia
The fear of being trapped, locked in, or unable to leave.
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The last thing my ojiisan ever told me was a promise.
"I know you don't want to go," he said, as he helped me pack my things. My obaasan was still in treatment for her broken bones, so I didn't get to say goodbye to her. "You'll be okay."
"You can't let them take us," I pleaded.
"You're a smart boy. You'll be fine. America has more opportunity than we will ever give you. Take it and be thankful."
"With that man?" I said.
Ojiisan sighed, his withering frame shrinking down. He leaned over to grasp my shoulders tight.
"Haruki," he pleaded. "Life is difficult. Things don't always go your way. But that doesn't mean you get to give up. As hard as life might become—" He held my hand. "—you have to promise me you will make something of it. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Remember this for me."
"I want to stay here," I said.
"Sometimes you have to leave what you know to find something better."
"How is this better?"
"You have to make it better," he pushed. "You make your own choices, Haruki. Don't always be bitter about bad things, or you'll stay in them. You have to be stronger than that. Okay?"
I nodded, and made my promise.
I think my ojiisan knew my chances of seeing him after America were slim, and maybe his way of seeing me off was assuring himself that his daughter running away for money, taking her kids with her just to feel less alone or more brave, leaving for a man that hurt her own mother, wouldn't make his life for naught. Even to him, my siblings and I were just investments.
"You think we'll ever come back here?" I'd asked Rika.
Rika's face was ghostly and heartbroken when she said, "No." She sucked in a breath. "But we're going somewhere better, Yuki, so it'll be okay."
Everyone wanted more. It was always what you could gain. America had its advantages, and America had its opportunities, and America had its freedoms, but the price had been my family.
Nothing worth having ever comes easy.
What was worse than wanting something, only to find it was nothing like you'd hoped?
Just wait, they'd say. You've done this, now you can do more.
Just wait. Just wait until the next one.
There was always a next one.
How many next one's did you have to go after before you finally stopped? Everyone asked and expected you to answer but there was never enough time. I'd been running out of time for twelve years. I was running and I never stopped until I stopped too late and realized I was too lost to go back.
YOU ARE READING
Suicide Buddies
Teen Fiction"My mother once told me there are three, and only three, truly defining moments in your life. One: When you don't know. Two: When you realize you don't know. Three: When you know. This is about the third one." --- Angel Young is going to die. Or at...
