The Other Side of the Moon

A Whole Lot of Wanting

Kai paced his study, muttering to himself as he did so, moving his hands as if he were having an actual conversation with an actual person.

"I love you...I want to be with you...always..." His brow furrowed at the last part. He wanted to tell Cinder how he felt—how much he loved and adored her—but he didn't want his proposal to be cliché.

He was the Emperor of the Eastern Commonwealth. He'd written speech after speech after speech since the time he could talk. He knew how to use words. He knew how to express himself. But for some reason, whenever Kai tried to think of how he would ask Cinder to marry him, the words just didn't sound right.

A knock sounded at his door. Kai flinched, then moved to open it, running a hand through his disheveled hair.

"Thank the stars," Kai said when he saw Torin. "I need your help."

"Your Majesty." Torin nodded his head.

Kai moved aside and ushered Torin into the room.

Despite the lateness of the hour, Torin looked as impeccable and stately as he always did, with his graying hair and pressed suit. Even his posture was perfect, his hands folded in front of him and shoulders squared back. Kai felt like a wreck by comparison—his shoes long since discarded, tie loosened and suit jacket gone. Not to mention the state of his hair and the quite possibly crazed look in his eyes.

"What is it that you need assistance with?" Torin asked, polite as ever, even after all they had been through. For years during Kai's childhood, he'd tried to crack the man's cool facade but had long since decided that it was an impossible feat. It was just the way Torin was.

Kai motionted for him to sit in the cushioned chair in front of his desk. In turn, Kai perched himself on the edge of his desk, unable to bring himself to sit in a seat.

For weeks, Kai had been looking forward to Scarlet and Wolf's wedding—to seeing Cinder. It had been nearly a year since he'd seen her in person, though they made sure to comm one another regularly. But it wasn't the same. He wanted to be close to her. He wanted to look at her face, and not through a screen. He wanted and he wanted and he wanted.

When Wolf had asked if the Rampion crew would hold an early surprise wedding for the couple, Kai had been excited not only for Scarlet and Wolf and the privacy they deserved, but for the time it would allow for him to spend with Cinder. They would be there for days, and without the media. He hadn't been allowed time with Cinder like that since his kidnapping.

And as Kai daydreamed of all this time they would have together, he began to think of the future—the good future—where they would never have to be apart again.

It was then that he had decided to ask Cinder to marry him.

"I...I need help," Kai said. "I didn't know who else to go to."

"What's the matter?" Torin asked, his features tightening with worry. "Is something wrong, Your Majesty?"

Kai shook his head. "No." He chuckled. "No, absolutely not. Everything is...well, everything is good. It's just that—I just..."

Torin inclined his head, brow furrowed.

Kai knitted his fingers together behind his head and took a deep breath. Releasing it, Kai said, "I'm going to ask Cinder to marry me."

Silence followed Kai's proclamation. Torin leaned back in his chair, his face taking on a contemplative look. He folded his arms over his chest and examined Kai. For a moment, Kai was worried that Torin was disappointed—that he didn't approve of Kai's choice in a partner.

Then he saw the way Torin's eyes were glistening, and realized that it was not disappointment on Torin's face, but a trembling sort of delight—pride. He was proud of Kai.

"The only problem is," Kai continued, "that I don't know how to do it. And I'm scared of messing it up. What if I botch it so bad that she doesn't want to marry me? Or even worse, what if she just straight up doesn't want to marry me?"

"Slow down," Torin said, raising a hand to stop Kai's torrent of questions. "First of all, I have perfect faith that when the time comes for you to ask her, the right words will come to you. Second, I've seen the way Ambassador Linh-Blackburn interacts with you, and while I am no expert on women—or people, for that matter—I think it is plain to everyone with functioning eyes that she is in love with you."

Kai let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "I know that she loves me," he said, sincere. "But what if, I don't know, marriage is just too much right now? She only dissolved the Lunar monarchy six weeks ago. She's still an ambassador, but what if she wants a break from being royalty?"

"Those are all exceptionally valuable concerns," Torin remarked. "I'm glad to see that you're putting as much thought into this as you are, but I am incapable of answering any of your questions. There's only one person who can give you definitive answers."

Pressing a hand to his forehead, Kai sighed. "I know. I just thought..." Kai shook his head. "I just needed to get it all out. I've had these questions circling in my head for the past week, and I needed someone to listen to me." He looked at Torin. "Thank you."

"It is my honor and pleasure, Your Majesty."

They smiled at one another. And for a moment, Kai felt the way he always had after having a conversation with his father—like everything would be okay.

"Was there anything else you needed help with?" Torin asked, moving to the edge of his seat.

Kai sucked in his lips and nodded, dropping his gaze. "I don't know how to ask," he said, almost sheepishly.

"Ah." Torin smiled an uncharacteristically amused little smile. "Do you have any ideas?"

"I want to tell her how I feel," Kai said. He tucked a foot beneath his knee. "But all that I can come up with are the sappy, unoriginal clichés for love. I want it to be..."

"Special?" Torin supplied.

"Exactly," Kai said, scratching behind his ear. "I want it to feel as important as it is and not like I'm reciting from a how-to-propose manual. I want it to feel right."

Torin nodded, steepling his fingers together. Kai watched, transfixed by the action. It was something he'd often seen his father do. The thought made his heart hurt.

"Well," Torin said, "I think the only way for it to feel right is for you to not plan it—to let it be organic and from the heart. I know it's not your style to be unprepared, but I don't think that's what this is. You are prepared. You're ready. And when the time comes to propose, the words will find you."

"You really think so?"

Torin nodded, a kind smile on his face. Then he stood and clapped Kai on the shoulder. "Your parents would be very proud of the man and emperor you have become. You have solved the problems that they could not, and stayed true to yourself all the while. You have been the change they wanted to see in the world and so much more. They would be so excited for you now, and thrilled to see your choice in empress. I know that you and Ambassador Linh-Blackburn will be exactly what the Commonwealth needs."

Kai swallowed hard, fighting against the sudden swell of tears. "Thank you," he said, then pulled Torin into a tight embrace. "Thank you for everything. All the long hours. All the filling in for me. All the guidance and frustrating conversations. Thank you for being one of the few constants in my life."

"It has been an honor," Torin said, his own voice sounding tight. He patted Kai's back then pulled away, resuming his professional stance. "Is there anything else I can help you with this evening?"

"No." Kai shook his head, swiping at his eyes as he did so.

"Well then," Torin said, opening the door, "I guess all that's left for me to say is: Good luck."