Tortured by Hope and Dreams

2

Again, I'm crumpled over and have had the wind knocked out of me. I feel the weight of my body settling. My vision and my mind still seem to be trying to shake off the fog. Distant voices start becoming clearer.

"Yes. Yes, Mr. Lovat, I understand. I never intended—"

"LOOK. You're still new here. David has been here for over ten years. He's your supervisor. Treat him as one."

"Yes, Mr. Lovat."

It's a scene from work today. Even when my senses and vision become clear and solidified, I don't turn towards the events playing out near me. I hear Mr. Lovat's fingers rap against the table impatiently, cueing the humiliation that's about to ensue.

"Hah...look, I don't care how competent you think you are. You work under David who, I might remind you, works under me."

The words seethed out of him exactly as they had earlier today when this event occurred. I was still choosing to look away, but my fists were clenched and my nails were digging into my palm. I knew that if I looked at this scene, I would see my hands being closed tightly in the same way.

"Do not make me regret hiring you any more than I already do."

"Yes. Yes, I understand Mr. Lovat"

I could hear the struggle to get those words out. I was breathing hard again, but this time it was from anger at being treated so derisively. I become blinded by my anger, feeling the pain of this abuse over again. Only this time, without containment. The misery boiled over and I lost sight of myself. A voice jolts me back into my surroundings.

"Hey!"

I find myself in the hallway outside Mr. Lovat's office. I see myself being accosted by David, who was lying in wait for me.

"Next time just listen to what I tell you to do and we won't have any more problems."

Spineless. Incompetent.

"Hey. Are you listening to me? Look, next time I might not be so nice. If you wanna keep working here, it's best if you stop stepping on toes."

I stand on still water as I see myself harden and settle into the ground in front of David.

"Okay."

"Good. Good. Ha! Things would be easier if you were just more obedient from the get-go."

A trembling breath escapes from my mouth and then I'm sinking into those dark waters again. This time, I let it take me. I let the darkness embrace me.

An intake of air and I emerge out of the dark veil to a memory that is even worse than the one I just came from. Why? Why do I have to suffer through it again?

I'm standing in one of the conference rooms. I can see myself seated with a bunch of other coworkers. We're in the middle of a meeting. If only the me seated innocently at the table knew what was about to occur.

Mr. Lovat. David. Some other people from my department. Some other high executives. Some other low-level employees. Susan, an especially vitriolic woman and head of another department, leads the meeting. Everything is muted, which is something I don't fight to change. I watch as the meeting builds to its climax. The closer we get to the moment of true infliction, the more I begin to hear, the closer I am to the moment I truly fear. At first, it was voices like static, but they began to build and beat at my eardrums. Susan's words were acid.

"Do you know how much this mistake has cost us? Do you know how many millions this costs us!"

Mr. Lovat was unsettled, David was sweating, and I stared at myself staring on.

"David! Were you the one that did these numbers!"

"I—I—"

I saw myself sitting still, with the knowledge that the stuttering David was in fact the one responsible for the mistake. But I didn't know what he would do to save himself. Incompetent, spineless David. I should have known.

"It—it wasn't me! It was Marin! It was Marin that set those numbers!"

My heart drops in my chest and I see myself shoot up from my chair.

"What! It wasn't me! David, you know that you were the one who finalized it!"

David looks at me with eyes full of fear, darting back and forth, trying to weasel himself away from my glare, and I know that he will never own up to his mistake.

Susan aims her poison at me.

"You! We lost millions because of you, and here you are trying to push the blame onto someone else!"

"No! That's exactly what he's trying to do! This was not my fault!"

I can see Susan puff up like a blowfish. The redness in her face reaching its peak.

"How dare you speak to me like that! Steven, your department is going to make up for these losses somehow!"

The blood has drained from Mr. Lovat's face. Sweat beads at his temple.

"Susan. I—I understand. She's a relatively new employee."

"Mr. Lovat! It wasn't me! I didn't—"

"That's enough! Marin, go home for the day."

"No!"

Everything in the room goes quiet. Everyone is speechless. Everyone has their eyes turned to me. I see my own eyes looking back at me, puzzled. I had stepped beyond the veil.

"I am not the one responsible for those mistakes. David was in charge of that account and before vilifying me you should make sure who's truly guilty."

Everyone remains speechless, but the tension in the room has abated. People look around themselves embarrassingly. I then lock gazes with myself and see tears building up in my eyes. We are both out of breath. The tears continue to build and I see my mouth tremble up into an expression of relief. A single tear drops and I know that tear is saying thank you. Time seemed to slow. When that tear dropped to the ground, it sunk into the floor and I sunk with it. I dropped back into that water, except it was one that was as clear and blue as the water that fell from my eyes.