Tortured by Hope and Dreams

11

I'm nowhere now, faded into nothing, floating in nothingness. I feel like I'm suspended in a pale color. I'm reminded of the sensation of pale light seeping through closed eyelids. My consciousness is basked in that hue, and it drifts about in that feeling for an unfixed time. Eventually, this thought finds its way into my mind: What am I doing here? The answer comes slowly, but I remember. She said I had something to kill, something that I've been fighting. And if I kill it, will everything be solved? Will life stop being so hard? Will I stop suffering?

I don't know what I'm looking for. I've traveled so far down my mind. Have I been traveling down? Am I going deeper into this realm of the soul, or am I shooting about randomly? Why did I see the things that I saw? Are they supposed to tell me something or did I find myself in those memories because they have meaning for me? I don't know anything anymore, and so I keep those eyelids closed and continue to float in that light color.

I'm relaxed in this suspension. When was the last time I let myself do nothing? When was the last time I've felt aimlessness like this? I've been tense for so long, with such a heightened awareness of the pains within my mind and body. I lived more intensely than others and made each cut from life a deep tear into bare skin. I bled heavily and screamed out in pain and in anger. I lived this way for so long. When was the last time I felt light like this?

My mind wanders and my college days come back to me. The time when I was still fresh into college. When I was young. I stopped being young when my parents died. I have thoughts about those college days when I was working towards a bright future. I think about high school, studying like crazy, thinking I don't know what I want to do, but that having good grades must help me get there. I did everything I could to be a stellar student, believing that I could achieve anything I wanted if I worked hard. When I would play with Elle and the twins as kids, I always dreamt up big things for them, imagining a world full of possibilities, a world bursting with potential. When I was young, the world was so heart-rendingly big and there was hope in dreams.

Now, dreams are so painful. The existence and persistence of a dream make me realize that the world I live in is a nightmare. The world, the circumstances, the reality I live in won't allow for dreams. Only work, more work, and responsibilities. I can't afford to hope for more. Yet, I still do, don't I? My dreams have never gone away, have they? It's so hard. It makes life so much harder. I'm suffering because I can't accept what I have, what I have to do, what I have to live with, and instead continue to dream of more.

The light seems to brighten, grow, and I can feel it shining through my eyelids. I let myself soak in its warm rays. My thoughts fall off me. A voice suddenly calls out to me and I'm jolted awake.

"Hey! What are you doing here?"

My eyes open and I'm blinded for a moment as the sun's rays pierce my eyes. The intensity of the light, shadows the world around me. I can see the shape of a person standing in front of me. My eyes continue to adjust until I can recognize the frame of a small child.

"I said, what are you doing here?"

I bring myself up from the ground that I'm laying on.

"I—I don't know."

I feel blades of grass graze my arms and fingers as I move about. I move slowly through my disorientation. I can see her a little ways away from where I am now. The young girl is crouched over and turned away from me. She's plucking away at the grass in front of her.

"You're a weirdo."

She moves away from the grass and starts playing with her toes. I watch her curiously. Suddenly she brings her head up to look at the sky. I look up with her to see a clear blue sea. A summer's sun shines down on me and I feel its light shimmer in my retinas. The young girl calls out to me again.

"Will you play with me?"

I bring my head down to see her. She stays crouched in her position, but this time she has turned to look over to me. The glint of light leaves my eyes as I look towards her and for the first time I see with clarity the face of the child in front of me. I must be five, six, maybe even younger. My gaze is fixed on the image of myself when I was just a child, when I was young. I see the shrunken version of my current self grow impatient.

"Is that a no?"

For some reason, I'm at a loss for how to interact with this version of myself. I feel as if I've somehow lost the ability to relate to the child facing me.

"You don't want to play with me? Fine, then I'll play with you."

She plops down next to me and lays down on the grass. I continue to be bewildered by her presence and by my appearance in this space, but as I look at this younger me I feel moved. Is my heart moving towards her? She looks up at me and her eyes are so clear and bright, as unclouded as the blue sky surrounding us from above.

"I don't know where you came from. Are you an alien?"

The words easily leave my lips.

"No."

She looks at me with a youthful skepticism. Her doubtful expression, not yet carved with cynicism.

"An alien might say that, though."

I look upon her rounded expressions and feel myself soften.

"You're right, they probably would."

She flashes me such a bright smile then, beaming over my concession. Water feels like it's flowing from my chest. I lower myself back down on the grass and stare back out at the still blue sky. I want to soak in this moment. She brings herself up to look at me and makes the decision that I'm her friend.

I lay on the grass and listen on as my young self begins to chatter away about aliens and space, adventures in the great unknown. She says she wants to visit lots of places and be lots of different things. She says she wants to be like her dad and build a family. Then she says she wants to build an empire. Castles and kingdoms form in her mind. I continue to just exist in this moment, listening to myself talking dreams, desires, big beautiful hopes for the future.

The light gently bleeds through my eyes. The slight breeze runs softly over my body and I feel the tickle of grass on my bare arms. I look up at that smile, that smile so full of dreams and aspirations, and then my heart thumps deeply. The sensation prickles over my entire body and I know what I have to do. I have to kill this dreamer. This child within me that wants more, that wants bigger and more beautiful things, I have to kill her. My heart pounds heavily in my chest and I feel sweat bead across my body. My vision warps and something within me twists and turns.