Tortured by Hope and Dreams

9

I hear the twins.

"Soooo, why were you able to pick us up from school today?"

"I got off of work early."

We are all in my car. I'm looking at this scene with my sisters as if from the vantage point of the rearview mirror. I remember this moment. It was today. It was the present day. I had just been sent home by my boss, accused of a gross error, probably fired. I remember the misery of this day, and I remember the unhappiness that still has yet to occur. The disaster that is about to happen.

Elle, who has always shown careful consideration for people's emotions and sensitivities, senses the resistance in my answer and checks in with me.

"Did something happen at work?"

I deny it too quickly.

"No. No. I just—I finished my work for the day, so they sent me home early."

The twins start messing around.

"Haha, you're probably the smartest one there so you can do your work ten times faster than everyone else!"

"You're way smarter than dumb David, that's for sure!"

Hope and Faith find themselves rather amusing and start cracking up. Normally I would offer some sort of a retort back, but today all I can think about is how dumb David, incompetent and spineless David, has most likely just gotten me fired. This burning cruelty eats at me from the inside, and I don't respond to the twins' remarks.

Elle is certain at this point that something bad has happened at work today, something that has never happened before, something that let me be here to pick them up from school.

"Marin, what happened today?"

I snap at her.

"Nothing! I told you nothing!"

My words are forceful.

"Nothing happened."

The twins are still behind while Elle has already reached the end of the course, the run, the long marathon necessary to understand me. The twins are silent, a rare occurrence. They exchange confused looks. Elle stares down at her hands and the silence continues. I'm kicking myself, regretting my outburst, but I don't know how to move forward. An apology reaches my lips when Elle cuts me off. She doesn't look at me when she speaks her next words.

"I think you should quit your job."

Any regret or distress I felt over my previous reaction gets incinerated in a burning rage.

"What!"

Elle brings her head up to look at me with sincere eyes. Her words have roots in the ground.

"I think you should quit your job."

I become so angry, so so angry, and as I look upon myself I feel so sad. I don't want to watch what happens next, but the moment comes for me and makes me feel as still as death.

I'm fighting now with Elle, my words punishing her for my sufferings.

"What are you saying? You know I can't just quit my job!"

"I know! I know it's not that easy, but I think you should!"

"What are you—How can you say that? You know how difficult it was for me to get that job! I need this job!"

Elle holds tightly to her beliefs. Her beliefs that were gradually solidified and reinforced as time went on.

"Marin, you're miserable."

My anger and pain shake violently within me.

"No. I struggled so hard to get this job. I'm doing this for you guys. For you! I'm suffering for this family! I have to!"

Then Elle voices out thoughts she's kept close to her heart.

"No! You don't have to and we don't want you to!"

Tears start to trickle from her eyes. Her lips are shaking and her expression is pained.

"Why? Why would you think we would want you to suffer for us?"

The car halts to a stop. We've reached home. My heart is slowly shattering and I can't bear to look at any of them.

"Get out."

A silence plays out in the car. The words don't repeat themselves.

A shaky voice from one of the twins, I don't know whose, reaches out for me.

"Marin?"

The silent song plays out till its end. A moment passes and then a sequence of sounds begins. The shuffling of belongings and bodies, the front passenger door opens, the back door opens, the sounds all drag out of the car, and then the doors are closed shut with hesitation. I drive off. Leaving my sisters heartbroken at the front steps of our apartment.