Who Knew. [ ON HOLD ]

Chapter 10

Songs: Battle Scars x Lupe Fiasco & 25 To Life x Eminem

This chapter could be triggering

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After the constant nightmares, I couldn't go back to sleep. Every time I'd try to close my eyes they'd come back. Nothing hurts more than to feel like you've been the cause of someone's death. Especially someone who you knew. A father. I lost my father. At eight years old.

You think about all the possible scenarios you could've done to prevent it, but yet it still happened. If it gets to strong to handle all you turn to is self- harm. You can use it in many ways. There is nothing more temporarily refreshing than to have existing pain be overpowered by pain that can come from hands that bruise their way up to your heart, ice and salt that lies in the ocean and in a soul, or anything sharp that can rip open flesh.

Today I want to be alone. Locked up in my room like an inmate that's in jail 25 to life. Pain is something that can be heard, seen, and looked pass. Many look pass the pain and hear it multiple times, but we're afriad.

When you see pain its different. When you see the pain on someone it means that you've been there before or you can relate. Seeing pain means that you have an eye of a tiger. Seeing every little move that someone does can tell a lot about you. I think Amanda is starting to sense some things about me, as I am her.

My life right now is basically pointless. I just want to be with my dad. Because my life is hard, I have to push and strive to make it easier. I want to be better. I'm potentially better than that. My mind can't drown my soul in rubbing alcohol anymore. It hurts too bad for me to take it any longer now.

These last eight years has been enough for me and I know its time to get better. Knowing that I have the help to make me better is all I need. I'm ready. No, you can't be done. You have one task to do and everything will be okay.

I push my subconscious back to the side because okay is not good enough. I don't want okay. Okay means that you're on the verge of tearing your life apart without anyone noticing. We all know people say 'okay' to avoid things.
I mean I do know because I use that excuse all the time.

I don't know what to do. My battle that I've been living has scars too and I don't think I can win in this situation. Living hurts, but its best to stay here. Behind closed doors we think life is a joke but its not. Its a test to see how wise we are. To see our faith that we still have even though we're frowning on the inside.

Struggles are real and they are walking on earth to each and every person in this world. I need to understand that no one is ever alone when it comes to life. Don't you see that we all live on this round, beautiful, yet evil thing. The people on Earth kill, hurt, cry, lie, steal, and everything here. But how can we not see that we are equally the same.

Being human is painful but its only temporary. Let your colors bloom. Be the beautiful side of you and not the dark thing that lies behind your eyes and your smile.

Hu•man
1. noun: a human being, especially a person as distinguished from an animal or (in science fiction) an alien.

Human
1. noun (yet an adj) A beautifuly made creature that lives on earth with the gift of being imperfectly perfect with an evil mind that they have to be unattatched to.*

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This chapter was for the people I see on Instagram with those tags and for the people who are going through. I love you all ❤ . Remember my definition of a human. Thanks for the reads guys && wish me luck because we just took a biiig test. okay well byeee loves

April 29, 2015
~ I N D Y I A H